Compleat Redneck |
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Commentary from the boondocks. If it makes any sense, it is just by chance.
billyjoebobsbbq@yahoo.com
Hushpuppies |
Thursday, February 20, 2003
"I could do that." Cletus was reading the Possumblog entry about the Georgia man who invented a toilet seat raiser/lowerer. Bubba said there wasn't a need to since it had already been done. Cletus said he knew that. He was talking about inventing in general. He said all you have to do is find an unfilled need and come up with a solution. That's all that Gates feller did after all. Bubba said that he didn't think Bill Gates invented anything. Cletus said he wasn't talking about Bill Gates, he was talking about the man who invented the gate, you know that thing in a fence you open if you don't want to climb over. Well, that kind of stopped the conversation. What can you say? Bubba asked if Cletus thought that some feller named Gate invented the gate. Cletus said of course not. The feller was probably a Smith of some kind and he just happened to call it a gate. Maybe the first one to buy one was a Gate. He said he was just using gates as an example to show that all the easy ones had already been invented and you had to look hard to come up with something new to invent. When I left the room, they were trying to decide if the feller's name was wheel or maybe axle. Cletus was pulling for axle because he is sure he saw some old English movie with a man named Axle in it and he had never heard of anyone named wheel. "How about Big?" Bubba asked. P.S.: We just received an email from the Society for Electron Preservation saying this site is a major cause of global warrming through our misuse of valuble electrons. We are happy to be good at something. Doggone it! Cletus done gone and upset Mr. Oglesby one of our two readers other than us. We really do like to read what we write. Cletus just loves to see his name in print. Bubba is threatening to get one of them big 11x17 sheets of paper and print Cletus' name on it and give it to him on all gift occasions. Says it is a politician kind of thing to want to see your name in print. Anyway, Cletus says he is sorry but he can't run off to Florida to chase any hogs. He is right wore out from chasing his own. They broke down that little old electric wire he uses for a fence and got into his mama's flowerbed just as the bulb plants started sticking their little green heads out and dug up everything and Mrs. Jones told Cletus she wished she had stopped with one youngun. That hurt Cletus' right bad and now he is having to eat extra pecan pie to ass wage his feelings. Anyway that is what he said. Bubba and I don't have clue what he is talking about although Bubba thinks it sounds French. Update: One of the rocket scientists just stopped in on his way to work and said the word is assuage. Still doesn't make any sense to us. Bubba asked if I was going to change the Emporium's menu to say "freedom fries" rather than "french fries' like that place up in North Carolina did. I said "no" since no one uses the menu anyway and besides, never try to retrain your customers. Bubba says with gems of wisdom like that, I should write a book and become a consultant. He says I could take Cletus along as an example of how not to do things. I think I'll stick to BBQ. Cletus says that we should at least talk about the idea of wild hogs as a source of meat for the Emporium since Mr. Oglesby was kind enough to bring it up. Bubba said it looked like we were since the one on today's menu had to be chased half across the County and just when was Cletus going to build a decent fence to keep his pigs in and when was he going to get some play toys for his pigs so that they would not be traumatized (had to look that word up) and have to breakout to achieve inner peace. That left everyone one in the Emporium looking confused. Does a happy pig make better BBQ? Bubba thinks we should pursue that "free-range pork" idea from yesterday since the pigs we use are pretty much "free-range" and our advertising would be true. Cletus has cheered up considerable and now says he may look into the Florida pigs. He is pretty good at chasing down wildlife. Wednesday, February 19, 2003
That worked really well. Now we aren't even getting the get rich quick offers. Cletus says he told me not to go trying to take positions on politics and things. I read back his advice from yesterday and he denies he really meant to say any such thing and besides I must have mis-heard him and even if he did say it, I should have enough sense to not take his advice. Bubba says there is no doubt Cletus has the whole politician thing down pat. He has learned how to deny what the record clearly shows. He may be ready for the legislature where he can deny that Alabama has a tax problem with a straight face. He would be wasting his talent as a County Commissioner. What in the heck is a straight face? Cletus' is kind of round and so are the others I see around here. That worked really well. Now we aren't even getting the get rich quick offers. Cletus says he told me not to go trying to take positions on politics and things. I read back his advice from yesterday and he denies he really meant to say any such thing and besides I must have mis-heard him and even if he did say it, I should have enough sense to not take his advice. Bubba says there is no doubt Cletus has the whole politician thing down pat. He has learned how to deny what the record clearly shows. He may be ready for the legislature where he can deny that Alabama has a tax problem with a straight face. He would be wasting his talent as a County Commissioner. What in the heck is a straight face? Cletus' is kind of round and so are the others I see around here. Tuesday, February 18, 2003
Cletus just came in from reading Mr. Possum and said that he thought that Mr. Possum was our friend. Bubba asked what made him think otherwise. Cletus said that Mr. Possum had insinuated that we used wild pigs for our barbeque. Of course that set off a debate on whether or not wild hogs would make good BBQ. Bubba said that since we do buy most of our hogs from Cletus, that we only had to taste today's batch and know for sure. Oh, I guess that I never mentioned that Cletus raises hogs along with cutting wood. He manages to top out about what we need for the BBQ Emporium. He isn't one of them "industrial" farmers. He is more of a free-range kind of farmer. Bubba says I should start advertising free-range BBQ and we could pull in the few remaining people who don't eat BBQ because it is gauche. Cletus said he thought gosh was an explanation (I think he meant exclamation) so how could BBQ be gosh. Well, let me tell you. Let me feed a good mess of BBQ to a newby and they will gosh everytime. What the heck were we talking about? Oh, yeah wild hogs. Well, Cletus is perfectly willing to go round them up if he is called. Just lay in a good bait of pecan pie. Cletus says the reason we have such low readership is that we have not clearly defined ourselves as a liberal or conservative blog and we don't have an established position on any current or future wars. Bubba asked how Cletus knows we have low readership since he hasn't figured out how to put one of those counter things on the Blog so we would know if anyone ever reads this stuff. Cletus said the fact that we only received six get rich invitations over the weekend proves that not many people read this. Bubba said that he doesn't think that the business opportunity people read the Blog, that they probably just use some kind of computer thing to gather email addresses and that we can't tell if anyone reads this unless we have one of those counter things. Notice how the two of them have come to think that this is a community Blog even if I have to do all the writing. Cletus looking over my shoulder helpfully pointed out that he and Bubba provide 90% of the content so he thinks I am more of a typist than a Blogger. HaHA! Anyway in an effort to position ourselves and maybe get more readership, we (I give up) have decided to take a more partisan approach to Blogging. Question: What do you think about war with Iraq? We say go for it! The government says that Iraq is bad and so do most other sources at least the ones we read. On the other hand, Cletus says only a damned fool trusts the government, that you tell if a politician is lying by looking to see if his mouth is moving. Bubba helpfully pointed out that Cletus had one of the basic moves of a politician down pat. Cletus ignored him and said that we aren't real sure about our other sources of information either, but a bunch of dead Iraqis, Kurds and Iranians shows Saddam is as at least as bad as that Miloz, Milosi, that Yugoslavian guy. Bubba said he thinks that technically the guy was a Serb and weren't we supposed to dislike the Iranians. Cletus reminded him that Ali down at the Texaco is an Iranian and he is more of a Redneck than we are. Where were we? Oh, yeah being partisan. Question; What is your position on affirmative action? Cletus says we are against it. Bubba says it depends on the situation. We finally decided that we think it should be based on economic circumstances. We know this old boy down the road who made his first million on one of them affirmative action government contracts, his second million on one his wife got and his third on the one his son got. Bubba says he just has a problem seeing how he was under-privileged after the second million. Cletus said he couldn't talk about it because he wanted to keep his options open for future political reasons. Question: What do you think about reality TV? We just wish we could get in on the action. Cletus said there is nothing more real than living the lives we do and Fox orter come in here and film us and give one of us a million maybe for who could say the stupidest thing. Bubba said the million should be based on consistency that anyone can be stupid for a short time but only the pros can be consistent. Addendum from Cletus: As a candidate for County Commissioner, he abhors the sleazy Fox channel and only watches it so he can see what our Chillun are exposed to. If elected, he will offer a proposal to the Commission that they pass an ordinance declaring the County a reality free zone. Question: What is your opinion of "big oil? We think we will stick to quarts. Them gallon jugs are just too unhandy. Celtus says he thinks the question refers to big oil companies. Bubba and I say we wrote the dern thing so we can answer it any which way we please and Cletus can just keep his smart mouth to his self. (MS Word says hisself is wrong but likes his self okay.) Question: Do you think Bush stole the 2000 election? We think it was more like a loose ball and Bush got to it first, at least that is what the Supremes said. Addendum from Bubba: How the hell would we know? We only know what we read in the newspaper and we trust them less than we do politicians. Comment from Cletus: He says that he thinks we are not paying proper homage to the Supreme Court when we call them the Supremes. Bubba and I say to hell with homage. Question: Do you think you have written enough to establish yourselves as a partisan Blog? We will wait to see if our get rich quick offers pick up. |
