Compleat Redneck

Commentary from the boondocks. If it makes any sense, it is just by chance.

Friday, December 06, 2002
Cletus says he and Bubba were talking about the hostage thing in the Russian Theater that happened a few weeks back. Bubba says it reminds him of the time we had a bank robbery and a hostage taking in the little town down the road. The bank was new and we had not gotten used to having one. Most of us were trying to figger out where they got enough money in our town to open a bank, much less build a great big old brick building to put the two tellers and the loan officer in. They had more floor space that the BBQ Emporium. This was also about the time we got our first two police. We thought we were really becoming one of them cosmopolitan places and Cletus started looking for movie stars down on main street. Well at about 10:00 AM one day a couple of local boys decided that they would rob the bank and make the get away in their 1965 Chevy pickup. We ain't talking about a lot of intelligence with these boys. If you put both their brains in a teacup, you would have half the space left over.

Now the bank had an alarm hooked up to the police station which was next door. Of course there was only one police on duty and he was down the road running his radar trying to raise enough money to get paid that month, but the city clerk was in the next room and heard the alarm. I told you we were a growing city. We had two police and a city clerk, a police car and a used two way radio so that the city clerk could call the police if need be. Cletus says he has never figgered out who was supposed to answer the phone when the clerk was not there, but on the day of the great robbery, she was and quick as you like, called Junior on the two way. Junior was the police on duty and he had just finished writing Bobby Joe Smith up for speeding down by Joe's Used Cars. With sireen screaming and blue light flashing, Junior sped the block to the Bank, jumped out with his bullhorn and yelled for the robbers to come out with their hands up. If'n you put Junior's brains in that teacup along with the other two and you'd still not fill it up. One of the robber boys got real scared when he heard the sireen and when Junior jumped out of the police car, he took a shot at him. Good thing for Junior that the boy's gun was a little snubbed nosed .22 and the bullet went no where near where it was aimed. Junior didn't know that and quicker than you could say "wet his britches" he jumped back behind the police car and hunkered down there to figure out his next move.

Our mayor hearing the sireen and shot came running out of his barber shop next to the bank and seeing Junior crouched down behind the police car, ordered him to get up and do something. By this time, Junior had figgered out that he wasn't real sure how much longer he wanted to be a police and told his honor the mayor if he wanted something done to do it himself. We had ourselves a standoff with the robber boys scared half to death in the bank and Junior and the mayor crouched down behind the police car wondering what to do.

Faye Nell, the City Clerk, looked the situation over and decided if something wasn't done real quick, someone could get hurt, so she called Bear Candless a deputy sheriff who lived down the road from the bank. Bear is his nickname because he is a large man, weighing well north of 300 and standing about 6'6". It is real unnerving when Bear looks at you because his eyes don't quite track and you can never tell if he really is looking at you. In those days, Bear worked the 10:00 PM to 6:00 AM shift for the county and at ten in the morning, he was fast asleep and not happy about being waked up. Bear liked to sleep from about 7:00 to 2:00, get up, go hunting or fishing and then spend the early evening with one of his lady friends before heading off to another night of Deputing. Oh, did I mention, Bear is real mean or at least we all think he is. None of us has ever felt moved to check to see for sure.

About ten minutes after Faye Nell called him, Bear shows up at the bank. Junior and the Mayor were still crouched down behind the police car. The robber boys were crouched down in the bank wondering how they were going to get out of this. Bear walked over to Junior, picked up the bullhorn and told the robber boys to come on out of the bank. One of the bright boys yelled out that they had hostages and wanted safe passage or they would shoot the hostages. Safe passage to where? Neither of them had ever been further away than Huntsville and had trouble finding their way home then. Now there was a lot of bellering coming from the bank tellers and the mayor tells Bear to let the boys go so the girls in the bank won't get hurt. Bear tells the mayor to get back to his hair cuttin, he was missing a lot of sleep, and didn't feel real good, and he wasn't about to let anyone go.

"Now boys" says Bear to the robbers, "You done got me out of bed and I ain't happy. Y'all come on out now. If'n I have to come in there, I'm gonna kill you dead. You got about a minute to make up your minds". He had barely finished talking when the bank door popped open and the two boys came running out with their hands up. Bear told Junior to arrest them and take them down to the county jail and that he better do all the paperwork because Bear didn't feel like it since his sleep had been interupted.

Cletus says Bubba thinks that the Russian's only problem with their hostage situation was that they needed Bear to do their negotiating.

Thursday, December 05, 2002
Cletus here. Pay no attention to Billy Joe Bob or BJB as I call him. When you know how to do exactly one thing (cook BBQ in his case) you get jealous of more talented people such as your's truly. A couple days ago I mentioned how my brother Bubba got the chrystalmeth guy to move away by explaining that otherwise he would have to kill him. Well, I don't think Bubba would have actually killed him, more like serious flesh wounds at the most. Back in his younger days Bubba was really crazy and a little mean. He was a little strange as a boy and our great uncle told everyone he was crazy and it sort of stuck. Bubba actually got crazier than he already was. I guess it was one of those Pavlovian things I read about although I haven't managed to fit any little doggy biscuits in my theory. Bubba loves guns (In his honor, I put Kim du Toit over on the left) and had a big collection as he called it by the time he was 20. He called himself a collector cause he thought that would attract less attention than saying he was building an arsenal. Anyway, when Bubba was about 25, Sis married a mean, ornery boy from up on Sand Mountain. Soon after, Bubba heard that the boy was hitting Sis and took it upon himself to fix the problem. He went to the old boy and said : I heared a rumor that you been hittin' my sister, If'n I hear that rumor again, I'll have to kill you". With that, he went back home. The next day the B-inlaw went by Bubba's and asked to borrow a gun. Bubba loaned him the gun and a generous portion of bullets. That went on everyday for a week or two. Finally Bubba told him that he still had a lot of guns left and even if he borrowed all of them, Bubba could still kill him with his bare hands. Next day, B-inlaw was gone. We ain't seen or heared of him since. Fortunately, he didn[t take any of Bubba's guns when he left, or we would have heared of him. Bubba is real touchy about his guns.

Cletus has been playing around with the blog. He has put some links over on the left. Says they are hypertax or something like that. I think he is obsessed with taxes since he has become a Republican. Anyway, he says this computer stuff isn't nearly as hard as cutting wood for the BBQ Emporium or making shine like he used to do. Says he should have been using his head other than as a convenient place to put his cap. Cletus has always been partial to Caterpiller caps, but he says he is thinking of switching to a Microsoft cap so everyone will think he is one of them dotcom yuppies. I told him I thought that the dotcom thing was passe (learned that word reading some blog, I think it means over) and he sure don't look like no yuppie in the old F250 with his Tshirt and chaw. He says he cleans up real good and has his eye on a BMW down at Joe's Used Car Lot. Joe's motto is: "You total em, I fix em and sell em to the unsuspecting". Bubba bought the F250 from Joe and has been real happy with it. He says parts falling off don't hurt the performance at all and it has a real good drive train. Anyway, Cletus is really worked up over this computer stuff. I think he is an old dog so don't have great expectations of any kind of special page for the blog. Anyway he usually only lasts about a week on any new thing he finds. Good thing he knows how to operate the old chainsaw or the boy would starve even though that would take near a year if you get my drift.

Wednesday, December 04, 2002
Me and Cletus was talking about the recent election here in Alabama when he said that he was thinking about becoming a Republican. Well call me a yellow dog, you could of knocked me over with a feather. Cletus was raised a Democrat and I told him his daddy would roll over in his grave if he heard such a thing. He reminded me that his daddy wasn't dead and said he was just holding off so as not to upset the old man. Cletus says he has learned he is rich and the rich are Republicans. Learned that at his grandma's knee. I asked how the hell he came up with the idea that he is rich and if he is, could he pay his tab at the old BBQ emporium? He says that after figgering out how much he paid in taxes, he must be rich. Best he can figger, he pays way over 50% in taxes and it would be higher if he didn't make his own drinks. Since everything he reads says the Republicans want to cut taxes for the rich, they must be talking about him. I asked him how he figgered he paid over 50% and he added it up this way. He is in the 28% federal bracket, pays 7% on his social security, 5% to Alabama and 9% sales tax on everything he buys. He says that the hickory cutting business doesn't let him put a lot in the old 401k, he pays all them taxes on most of what he makes. I asked him how he figured he was in the 28% bracket and he showed me where it starts at $25,000 for people like him who are currently between marriages. Like I said before, I got to keep that boy away from the computer. He was perfectly happy until he started reading some of those things on the WWW and you know people like him really need educated people to explain things to them and here he is getting stuff raw.

Cletus here filling in for Billy Joe Bob. My real name is Ulysses S. Jones. My Momma thought that name just rolled off the tongue. Unfortunately she was a little weak on history and Ulysses S. is not the best name to hang on a kid in Alabama. Having that name is a lot like being the "Boy Named Sue". I spent a lot of time fighting as a kid. Boys either wanted to call me Useless or Yankee. Now people just call me Cletus.

Been thinking about this terrorist thing. It seems to me that it is a lot like the things that go on around here. An old boy down the road has been selling grass around here for years. Didn't much bother us since he just switched from shine, but now he has switched to crystalmeth. My brother called the law a few times to report strange smells and a lot of late night traffic. I guess they are too busy to come by, so Bubba went over and talked to the neighbor. He explained that he didn't like the idea of explosions anywhere near his house or having crystalmeth anywhere near his kids. The cooker got his back up, so Bubba had to explain that he would have to kill him if he didn't stop. Bubba is crazy. Last I heard, the boy had moved.

If Bubba killed the guy, would that be one of those pre-emptive strikes I read about? I guess it wouldn't be right for Bubba to just kill the boy, but letting him know what would happen if he kept on fixed the problem for Bubba.

Tuesday, December 03, 2002
Gotta stop Cletus from messing around on my computer while he watches me cook the BBQ. The boy is really upset by the things going on in the world. Cletus says he was better off when he just occasionally saw some news on the TV as he surfed through looking for wrasslin and NASCAR. Now he is reading some blogs and learning things he really didn't want to know. He is all up in the air about the A-Rab thing with that Princess woman and her giving money out that ended up in the hands of some of the hijackers. Cletus was thinking about writing her to see if she could send him some money since he is not doing all that good cutting hickory but then he figured Cletus didn't sound too A-Rab. Cletus says it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that story. I told him that was a good thing because we have some those rocket scientist boys who come into the BBQ Emporium and I don't think they figure too good outside of rockets.

Cletus took his boy out to the Huntsville airport yesterday to catch a plane back to Texas. He says the people were backed up two or three hundred deep waiting for the security checkers to pass them through. Cletus read one of the signs and it said that it was a federal crime to carry nail clippers on a plane. He says he thinks the feds would have better luck protecting the country if they spent a little more time looking at what the Saudi A-rabs are doing than worrying about nail clippers.

Sometimes, I think Cletus is not nearly as dumb as he looks.