Compleat Redneck

Commentary from the boondocks. If it makes any sense, it is just by chance.

Thursday, January 02, 2003
Cletus came in this morning all excited about the annoucement that John Edwards of North Carolina is running for President. He said he has finally found a candidate to be his champion. I asked him exactly what he was talking about and he said that Edwards wants to be the Champion for regular guys and he (Cletus) didn't think there was anyone more regular than himself. Besides, he hadn't had a champion since Bo Jackson left Auburn and he figured it was about time for a new one. I said that I thought he had recently decided that he was Republican since he had figured out that he was rich. He said there have been some setbacks in his financial situation and he may have to go back to being a Democrat since Edwards is going to be his champion. I asked him what he thought this "champion" thing is and he said Edwards was not real clear on that in his announcement or subsequent press releases and TV appearances, but he had repeated over and over that he was for the regular guys out there in radioland so he was Cletus' man.

I said that I thought that Edwards was a rich lawyer and not all that much of a regular guy himself. Cletus reminded me that his Daddy always wanted him to become a lawyer so he and Edwards were not that far apart. I reminded Cletus that the reason his Daddy wanted him to become a lawyer was that old man Jones needed the services of lawyers quite regularly and thought that having a son who was a lawyer would save him a considerable bit of money. Besides, Cletus dropped out in the fourth grade when he grew too large for those little desks in the old three room school and never made it to law school. He reminded me that he had served on jury once and that lawyering didn't seem all that hard..

Bubba came in about then and said that he was certain that he was a Republican since he was really getting tired of hearing how the "regular" people out here in the hinterlands (whatever those are) needed politicians to take care of them. Everytime a politician had ever helped him, they overcharged for the service and this guy Edwards seemed just like the rest. Cletus got all heated up over Bubba's comments and they had quite a row until their Momma called and told me to send them on home because it was starting to sleet and snow and she needed some wood brought in before it froze over.

Looking outside I think she may be right. Better get some wood in myself. Later.

Tuesday, December 31, 2002
Well we are out of here for 2002. Sold all the BBQ, Hushpuppies gone and enough slaw to feed an army. Cletus, Bubba, the whole gang and me say Have a Goodun.

Cletus' New Year Predictions:

1. Gov. Riley and Sen Barron discover they can do much more damage to the State working together than fighting each other. The Alabama financial scandal is the 2003 "Enron".

2. The USAF demonstrates the effectiveness of precision bombing by hitting the weapons stored in Iraqi Baby Milk factories without disturbing the baby milk or the babies.

3. Billy Joe Bob's BBQ opens a chain of restaurants in Iraq but has to BBQ goat instead of pork.

4. Justice Moore discovers that the US Constitution takes precedence over the Chief Justice of the Alabama Supreme Court. He says he prefers the Maxwell Federal Prison over any other he has seen.

5. Ex-Gov. Siegelman wins the largest Powerball Lottery ever and donates it to the State education fund saying "See I told you the lottery would solve the problem".

6. Al Gore gets his own comedy show on TV. It is something like the old Jeff Foxworthy show. The working title is: "You can be a redneck even if you did grow up in a DC hotel".

7. Hillary Clinton announces that she doesn't want to be the Democrat's sacrificial goat in 04, will leave that to Daschle.

8. Glenn Reynolds wins a Pulitzer in the new Blogosphere category. Sullivan organizes protests.

9. USAF develops Osama Bomma, a bomb that homes in on religious fanatics. Discovers that it cannot be tested at Maxwell AFB in Montgomery.

10. Stockmarket grows 30% and unemployment drops below 5%. Reflexively, James Carville and Terry McAuliffe crow that it is all Bush's fault before realizing that it is a good thing.

11. The F Series pickup from the 1980's is belatedly declared the automobile of the 20th Century.

12. Alabama Barbeque is declared to be the healthiest food known to science. McDonald's announces that they have a trademark on the word Barbeque.

13. A major Think Tank announces that they have hired Steven Den Beste to be their new chairman and intellectual leader.

14. The Alabama Education Association and ALFA sue each other over ownership of the state legislature. The case goes nowhere when they discover that they cannot decide who owns the courts.

Monday, December 30, 2002
Cletus has been reading Fred Reed and really liked the column about growth and the loss of very things that made the rural area desirable to begin with. Cletus says it reminds him of what is happening around here. I think he is talking about being hassled by the police over the condition of the old F250. In the old days, Cletus could drive his truck just about anywhere around here as long as he stayed away from Huntsville and no one bothered him about the ragged condition of the bodywork or lack thereof as the case may be. Now that we are getting more people around here, he is getting pulled over fairly regular and getting waring tickets. The police are local boys and in their off-time, they and Cletus are big buddies so they cut him some slack. The problem is we have a lot of people who have come here from parts where they don't understand the kind of freeedom Cletus expects. He figures that as long as he doesn't hit their cars or disturb their sleep, then what difference does it matter what he drives or where he shoots his guns or anything else he does. Cletus is one of them libertarians or anyway that is what he calls himself. Bubba says he is just crazy and always has been. I don't know. I think I probably agree with Cletus on this doing what you want but don't disturb the neighbors thing. The problem is we are getting so many neighbors that everything you do seems to disturb some of them.

Just the other day, someone was in here with a petition to form a homeowners' association so we can maintain our property values. Cletus told him he would be happy with a drop in property values if that meant his taxes would go down. The fellow asked Cletus if he wouldn't want to get more money when he sells his property. Bubba had to explain the idea to Cletus since the Jones property has been in the family for two hundred years not counting the Cherokee part of the family which has been here a while longer. Anyway no one in here signed the petition. Cletus says we would probably end up having to get permission to hunt on our own land and the next thing you knew, we would be one of them cities and you couldn't even shoot your gun even if you didn't hit anyone.

I have noticed that the newcomers don't take too long to learn about BBQ and football although they are a little slow on understanding Alabama politics.

Cletus has asked if he can write about politics. I'm thinking about it.

Boy, its good to get Christmas over with. It has been rough around here what with the parties and large takeout orders that we have been getting. I had to put Cletus to work pulling the pork and packing those 10 pound boxes to keep up with the business. The boy complained all day everyday. Cletus' Mama got a little carried away with her Christmas decorations. She gets one of those magazines that show all the fancy houses the rich and famous have and decided to decorate her house like the incrowd. Cletus says it hasn't worked out too well. There just isn't enough room in her house for the ten trees and some of the decorations are a little too far out there for Cletus to appreciate. He was telling me about one that was a silver tree decorated with blue bows on each branch. I said I thought it sounded like a nice decoration, but Cletus said that it looked more like Disney World than the North Pole.

Cletus and Bubba have had a falling out with their Mama over the Christmas eggnog. Bubba thought that it needed some spicing up so he added a little something without telling anyone and then Cletus did the same. Their Mama who insists that demon rum has never passed her lips thought the eggnog was really good this year and had a little too much. When she recovered a couple of days after Christmas, Cletus made the mistake of telling her it wasn't rum that passed her lips so she was still OK, so she kicked him out before he had finished all the ham, turkey and dressing. The boy is really depressed since there were at least two pecan pies left and he was looking froward to chowing down on them. When he gets depressed, he eats more than usual. I called his Mama trying to get her to take him back, but she said he would have to repent of his ways. I guess I am stuck with him for a while.

We got an email from Mr. Possum Terry Ogleby about the F250. Mr. Oglesby says his F150 has 225,000 miles on it. He doesn't say if any parts are falling off like is happening with Cletus' F250. Cletus says we should clear up his comments about parts falling off. He was referring to non-essentials such as fenders and other needless bodywork. Cletus is real partial to brakes and other safety related stuff. I asked him if fenders were not safety related and he said only the part that held the lights and on the F250 the lights were really in the grill and the little brackets over his Peterbilt mudflaps so fenders aren't really needed.

Cletus has given up on buying the BMW. He says that airflow is such that when he spits his tobacco, it goes right down the rear window and makes a real mess and besides none of the women he honked at would even give him a second look. I guess that clothes not cars make the man.