Compleat Redneck

Commentary from the boondocks. If it makes any sense, it is just by chance.

Friday, February 07, 2003
Cletus just read that the gummint has raised the alert status. We here at the BBQ Emporium don't pay a lot of attention to those things since we are not in the mainstream of anything, but Cletus said we needed to start paying attention because people move around so much and we might end up with smallpox or something. Bubba asked him exactly what we were supposed to do since the smallpox virus doesn't exactly drive up in a 57 Chevy and announce itself. Cletus said that we should watch for unusual activity and Bubba started laughing and said that it was hard o imagine anything more unusual than a large redneck "tributing" Elvis to raise money for a political campaign or for that matter, more unusual than about half the people who come in the BBQ Emporium everyday.

That started a discussion among some of our regulars about how they wish some of them terrorists would come around here cause they just been itching to bust a cap on one or more of them. Bubba said that judging by their success during deer season, the terrorists had nothing to worry about.

Both our regular readers have probably noticed that we don't try to be serious here at the BBQ Emporium. We much prefer crazy people over serious people, but this war and terrorist thing is getting serious and we see people everyday who have loved ones in uniform or who are real concerned about what could happen here at home. Cletus, Bubba and I want you all to take care and watch out for the real "crazies" out there.

We got us an email this morning that was not offering a way to get rich on the internet using only our trusted PC. At least I think he was not offering us a get rich quick scheme. A nice feller from B'ham asked if we were located in Fyffe, Alabama. We had to say no. We know Fyffe well, all two blocks of it, but we are sorry to say that we are not there. Cletus wants me to pass on to the nice gentleman that King's in Rainsville has an excellent all you can eat catfish buffet on Friday nights if he might be there around supper time. Good hushpuupies, too. We also are not King's. Cletus just likes to point out good eating places to fellow travelers. Cletus does know his eating places.

Bubba says he doesn't know what he thinks about Cletus as an Elvis impersonator. He thinks that the people who do that don't call themselves "impersonators" but something like "tribute artists" and he just can't imagine Cletus as any kind of artist and besides, the next thing you know Cletus could be out in the real public and a real embarassment to the family. Cletus wasn't saying much since he has a real hangdog look what with not being able to get the shoe polish out of his hair. Mary Ruth is not being much help cause she says she told him not to use shoe polish. She was going to make him an appointment down a the beuaty salon for a "color" treatment as she called it but Cletus thought it would hurt his manly image if he were seen in there with all those women. He saw "Steel Magnolias" over at the Northeast Commnunity College Theater and he says he doesn't think he is up to all the feelings in one of those places.

Anyway, it looks like the fundraiser is on. I don't know when, but I'll let you know.

Thursday, February 06, 2003
Bubba asked Cletus how his campaign planning was going. Cletus said he and Mary Ruth, his ladyfriend and campaign manager, had been doing some market research. They have been going around asking people if they would attend a $1000 a plate political fundraiser for Cletus' campaign for County Commissioner. He said that most people really got a good laugh from that, but that he did have a solid commitment from 200 people to attend a dinner for him. Bubba dern near lost his partial when Cletus said that. All the other talk stopped as people realized what Cletus had said. Finally Bubba asked Cletus where he found 200 people in the district who even had a $1000 much less who would give it to him.

Cletus said he had not found 200 people who would give him $1000 but that he did have firm promises from 200 that they would attend a $25 fundraising BBQ dinner for him. Bubba ask why anyone would do that whem they could get a good BBQ dinner and dessert at the BBQ Emporium for about $10 and have enough left over for a good sized doggie bag. Cletus said that he had promised them an Elvis concert. Well, you coulda cut the silence with one of them plastic knife we put in our carryouts.

After a while, someone asked where Celtus was going to find Elvis to do the concert. Cletus said that he was going to have an Elvis impersonator. "Who?" someone asked. "Me." Cletus answered. There was a really long silence after he said that as everyone kinda stared at him. Cletus is big enough to pass for the "Old Elvis" and he has lots of hair, but I don't remember anyone ever asking him to sing. Bubba told him that although it would break their Mama's heart, it was obvously time to have him committed because he had lost what little sense he ever had. Cletus got a little riled at that and said that he had been practicing and had rounded up some of the boys who play music and he was ready to go. "Wait just minute." he said. He went back to the men's room with a big box and a few minutes later came out in a white sequined jumpsuit which was one of his old coveralls bleached out and sprayed with glitter paint. He definitely had the "Old Elvis" look down. The black shoe polish in his hair was a right special touch.

He kinda bent down and reared up and moaned: "Sinsa my baby left me" real low. He sounded just like the King on one of those old mono 45s. Not real good tonal quality but a lot of feeling.

Three people got up and bought tickets on the spot.

I just wonder if he plans on paying me for the dinners.