Compleat Redneck

Commentary from the boondocks. If it makes any sense, it is just by chance. billyjoebobsbbq@yahoo.com

Friday, March 07, 2003
 
Mizz Meryl done gone and done it again! Got some intellectual midget all upset about something she said. Cletus is keeping count and is all upset because we don't even get get rich quick offers anymore and here Mizz Meryl get letters criticizing what she says. He says we got to increase the level of our partisanship and maybe start talking about the Palestinians or A-rabs or something. A-rab is how he says it. See we have this town down the road that is A-rab with a long A and I just can't break Cletus of saying it when he means arab. We also got a Boaz. In Alabama. Go figger. Well, anyway, Cletus thinks Mizz Meryl is right and doofus is wrong... again.

Cletus was reading this over my shoulder and says I orta point out that we Southerners had the Mrs/Miss thing all sorted out way before the feminists came along. We always called ladies over about 16 Mizz. That saved everyone lots of trouble. Cletus also wants everyone to know that he has always been a feminist. In fact, he thinks everyone should get a fair deal. He wouldn't like it if his Mama, sister or daughter was mistreated. Who woulda thunk it, what with him being kind of one of them prototypical redneck sorts. (Celtus insists that I capitalize Mama. Said it would be disrespectful to do otherwise. Cletus is kind of a Mama's boy but in the Redneck style. Say something bad about his Mama and he will beat you to a pulp)


Thursday, March 06, 2003
 
Cletus saw this on Best of the Web and did a little calculation of his own. A couple of weeks ago, 10 million people around the world protested against war on Iraq. There are 6 billion people on earth, not counting the little green and gray men we assume. That means that means that .16 % were out protesting even if you believe their own crowd counts.

99.84% of us are obviously uncaring slobs.


 
Mr. Possum sent this to BJB and I decided to answer in the Blog.

> 1. LAST MOVIE YOU SAW AT THE MOVIE THEATER?

Thunder Road. I quit going to movies when they closed the Starlight Drive In

2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?

I am working on a couple of books by Camus, who I think is a French author and who seems to obsessed with suicide and murder. Must be a French thing. Fooled you didn’t I? Bet you thought I was one of them Harold Robbins kind of guys. Why, I have read Chaucer, Shakespeare and W. Somerset Maugham and even some of them great American authors, but I have to confess R.A. Heinlein is my favorite.

3. FAVORITE BOARD GAME?
Checkers. What did you expect me to say? Chess? Who would I play Chess with around here? I’m not exactly surrounded by rocket scientists. Oh, sorry. I am surrounded by rocket scientists, but they are too busy playing computer games to play Chess.

4. FAVORITE MAGAZINE?

National Geographic. Like I have said, we may be Rednecks but we aren’t ignorant and stupid and no, I don’t read it for the pictures of semi-clad women.

5. FAVORITE SMELL?

Food cooking, food on my plate, heck food anywhere it is.

6. COMFORT FOODS?

Anything semi-edible.

7. FAVORITE SOUNDS?

The nice crisp rasp of a good chainsaw on a clear, spring morning.

8. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD?

I may have to bury the old F250. Oh, okay, coming into the BBQ Emporium and finding that old Billy Joe Bob has sold all the pecan pie.

9. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?

Another day, another pecan pie or two.

10 . FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE?

Billy Joe Bob’s but he’s not so fast anymore. More like not real slow but then I just wander back to the kitchen and help myself.

11. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME?
You know something I don’t? I better not be having to go buy one of them baby name books. I’m too dern old for that sort of thing.

12. FINISH THIS STATEMENT. "IF I HAD A LOT OF MONEY, I WOULD….

Get me a new F250 or maybe one of them F350 four doors with dual rear wheels, a big turbo-charged diesel, chromium plated wheels and AC. Now that would be a truck. I might even get me a CD player.

13. DO YOU DRIVE FAST?

Ancient F250, tires with the air showing through and steering not to tight. Anything faster than full stop is “fast”.

14.DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL?

Getting’ mighty personal here aren’t we?
1
5. STORMS-COOL OR SCARY?

What kind of storms we talking about? I am right partial to a nice Summer rainstorm but you can have your tornados and ice storms.

16. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CAR?

1953 Plymouth 4 door with a flathead 6. It also wasn’t fast.

17. FAVORITE DRINK?

Milk. Nothing goes better with pecan pie.

18. FINISH THIS STATEMENT,"IF I HAD THE TIME, I WOULD LOVE TO SPEND MORE TIME...

I do what I want to anyway.

19. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS ON BROCCOLI?

Broccoli? Is that a relative of the famous e-coli?

20. If you could DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR, WHAT WOULD YOU CHOOSE?

I tried that. Didn’t work real good. Took me weeks to get the shoe polish out.

21. HOW MANY DIFFERENT CITIES/TOWNS HAVE YOU LIVED IN?

Towns?

22. GLASS HALF EMPTY OR FULL?

Usually empty, but I have been on Billy Joe Bob to improve the service.

24. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH?

Chainsaw carving although that may be more of an art than a sport.

25. SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU.

He cooks real good BBQ and pecan pie.

27. TOILET PAPER/PAPER TOWEL-OVER OR UNDER?
Who dreamed up these questions? I’ll have to go with the over like the Almighty intended. I am sure it is in the Bible. I'll have to ask old Kudzuboy

28. MORNING PERSON, OR NIGHT OWL?

Depends on who I am with. Wouldn’t want to be up when someone else is in bed

29. OVER EASY, OR SUNNY SIDE UP?

We talking about eggs here?.

30. FAVORITE PLACE TO RELAX?

The BBQ Emporium because there is always pecan pie.

31. FAVORITE PIE?

Pecan, pecan and pecan.
Have I ever mentioned that I like pecan pie?


32. OF ALL THE PEOPLE YOU E-MAILED THIS TO, WHO'S MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND.

Those guys who are trying to get me to work from home with my computer.

33. LEAST LIKELY?
Billy Joe Bob since I use his computer and email. Why own when you can mooch?
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Janis Gore sent us this and asked what we thought of it since we are in the cooking business. Now we don't pretend to be a 5 Star eatin' establishment although most of our customers would rather eat BBQ and catfish than any of that high falutin French Novelle Quisine and we are not apt to be upset over a bad review of the Emporium. We have had something similar almost happen to an old friend and customer. As you know, this site is not noted for serious subjects but this is something that we will be serious about.

Our frined Jim ran a small business that had been built by his mother and which he had managed to grow quite a bit. He was very good in sales but didn't pay much attention to the operations side of the business. One morning he went to his office to discover that it had been padlocked by the IRS. All his bank accounts were frozen and liens placed against his home and all other assets. Seems his CPA had not been sending the withholding taxes to the government. Jim was devastated. His attorney said that it might take months before he could get at his assets. Meanwhile, he had 40 empoyees out of work for whom he felt personal loyalty and responsibility.

About 2:00 PM one day, he stopped in the BBQ Emporium. I asked him what I could get him. He usually wanted a piece of pecan pie and a coffee, but that day he said he was just stopping in to say goodbye. Cletus asked him where he was going. Yeah, even 20 years ago, Cletus was hanging around here at 2:00 PM eatin' up the grub. Jim answered that he was going home to kill himself because he had disgraced himself and his family everyone would be better off if he were dead.

We thought he was pullin our legs, but after a little more talk, we realized he was serious. Cletus asked him to explain how his wife would be better off with three small children, a rebellious teenager and all the debts Jim would leave her. Jim said he had life insurance that would cover the debts and everyone would just be better off without him around. Cletus kept him talking while I called our Pastor who was right good at helping people with bad problems and together with some other people he was able to get Jim through the crisis.

Several months later, Jim had worked out the the financial crisis and was back on his feet. Cletus, Bubba and I never mentioned the incident when we saw him. One afternoon, he stopped in for his pecan pie and said he wanted to thank us for caring. It seems he only stopped at the BBQ Emporium because he saw Cletus' old F250 outside and it struck him that he ought to tell us bye since we were old buddies. As far as we know, Jim has led a happy and productive life since then. He continues to run his business and it has grown. All his children turned out good and he has several grandchildren.

We all have the days when things go really bad and we think that just ending it would solve all our problems. I guess it does in a way, but if you have people who love and care about you, it creates all kinds of problems for them. We have a good friend who is dying of cancer. He was Pastor for over 50 years and is sure in his Faith. His main concern is for his wife having to live alone after he is gone. If you ever think that ending it will solve your problems, take some time to think about those you leave behind.

We see that the Chef at least had a wife who, from her comments to the press, loved him and will grieve his death for a long time. Cletus says life deals very few things to you that you can't get through with the help of time, familiy and friends.

On the otherhand, Cletus recommends you adopt his position. If someone does something bad enough to him that he would consider death the appropriate response, it won't be a suicide.


Tuesday, March 04, 2003
 
Sorry about the long absense or maybe you enjoyed it but we have been laid up with the creeping crud. Cletus calls it that. He says it creeps through the neighborhood laying people low, creeps up on you and then you creep around for a few days until it is gone. Sure is rough trying to run the BBQ Emporium when half the staff is out.

Anyway, we are back!

Cletus read Mr. Possum's post about the sad demise of his slower kin at the hands, or wheel as the case may be, of cars and trucks. Said it reminded him of the chicken riddle: "Why did the chicken cross the road?" To show the possum it could be done! I didn't think it was very funny either.

Cletus has been following the adventures of the Presidential candidate crowd and trying to figger out when to officially kick off his own race for County Commissioner. Bubba says he thinks the usual thing is to wait until the filing date and then get going. Cletus says he wants to be known as the candidate for change so he has to be different. Bubba asked whatever gave him the idea that anyone wanted any change. They just wanted the potholes fixed, for the County government to be semi-honest and not so stupid as to make you ashamed of where you come from. Nothing like being in Gulf Shores (on The Redneck Riviera) and hear someone talking about the stupidity going on in your home county.

Cletus said that Bubba had answered his own question about who wants change.

Cletus is out working on the old F250. It has been a mite cold and rainy around here and it has not had its quota of maintenance for a few weeks. More than the usual assortment of parts have fallen off. Cletus insists that nothing important has been affected but it is getting hard to tell it is a Ford and Cletus doesn't want to be mistaken for a Chevy driver. Bubba says we need to take up a collection and give it a decent burial.

Cletus says we should start recommending good eating places since not everyone can come to the BBQ Emporium basically since we have never said where we are.

If you happen to be over on Sand Mountain on a Friday night, we recommend King's in Rainsville near the corner of highways 35/75. They have an all you can eat Catfish buffet that is real good. Cletus goes over there even though Faynelle want give him credit.