Compleat Redneck

Commentary from the boondocks. If it makes any sense, it is just by chance.

Thursday, March 13, 2003
Cletus says he is all tuckered out from reading about the UN and war and all the other world affairs things and now he reads that Elizabeth Smart in Utah has been found and already people start acting crazy. He read this over at SGT Stryker and the comments that were sent to the good Sergeant's post. Instead of being happy that the young woman is safe, some people seem to think it makes them sound oh so worldly to make remarks about how she probably was a runaway and how there are questions she has to answer.

Actually, around here at least, taking an underage child across statelines or even just down the street will get you a few years in jail. Cletus says that since the younger sister has always said the abductor had a gun and threatened to hurt Elizabeth if she made a noise, it is not likely that she was a runaway and anyway what runaway would have someone come to her home? Why not just leave from school or something and then you have some time before the police will start looking. Cletus and Bubba agree that some people are just stupid.

We had a couple of good days here and now it looks like the rain is back.

Cletus is happy that Mr. Possum has his new teeth. Bubba says he thinks it is just part of one tooth, but Cletus insists that one tooth is nigh on to useless. Says his Granny had one tooth and it just didn't work real well. Nothing to get a purchase against. He has a point there. One tooth means you eat a lot of soft stuff I guess. Anyway, we all wish Mr. Possum a speedy recovery.

Tuesday, March 11, 2003
Cletus says he has been wondering about this whole UN Security Council thing. Says he is not a student of international affairs,but that it seems to him to be a bit obscene to be gettting together with a bunch of your neighbors and deciding if you are going to go up the road and beat up on the feller who has been acting up and taking potshots at your dogs and maybe beating up on his wife and kids. If'n he needs a whuppin, just go and do it or call the sheriff in if you can't do the whuppin. Bubba said that he thought Cletus was a little off in his way of thinking since he thought the UNSC was supposed to be the sheriff or maybe it was the judge who issued the warrant and the sheriff had to go arrest the sorry feller. They got in an argument over who the sheriff was if the UNSC is the judge, didn't someone have to go do the dirty deed? Cletus said it was maybe like the old days when he was in the distilled spirits business and he had to make regular contributions to the sheriff and judge as an expense of doing business. Maybe some of the UNSC had been taking payments and now were a little nervous about having issued the warrant and all only to find the sheriff was an honest man and didn't know how the game was supposed to be played.

Cletus said he still thought the best thing to do was just go on up the road and give the boy a good whuppin cause he didn't care if the other neighbors wanted to or not, he done gone and shot at his dogs and some of his kin been threatening to shoot at Cletus hisself.

After Cletus left, Bubba and I started to wonder if we had been talking about the same thing.

Anyone who has read very much of the drivel in this Blog is aware that the BBQ Emporium has an eclectic crew of characters. On any given day, we have rocket scientists, truck drivers and Cletus who is as eclectic as it gets.

A few years back, one of the rocket scientists was talking about how he had found the pickup he always wanted, but it was up near Knoxville and had a muffler and brake problem and he guessed he wouldn’t buy it cause he really didn’t want to pay a lot to get it home so he could work on it. I should explain that the only real difference between most of the rocket scientists and the rest of us is they went off to college and became engineers and other technical types. They are mostly just as much rednecks as the rest of us so old beat up pickups wander through their heads too.

Well Bobby was going on and on about how he had been looking for one of them 1965 Chevy Fleetsides for years and now he wouldn’t be able to get it. Right then Luther, one of the truck driving boys said that he might be able to help him out. Seems Luther had a run to New Jersey to haul a racecar and would be deadheading back so he could stop off and pick up Bobby’s pickup. Well, Bobby got all excited. Seems he always wanted to ride in one of those big Semis. He asked Luther if he could ride along. Luther said sure, in fact he might even let Bobby drive the big rig in a parking lot.

Lickedy-split, Bobby called up to Knoxville and bought the truck. He told the feller when he would be by to pick it up and the Knoxville man said he would be on vacation that day so he would leave the title and keys under his front doormat. Luther and Bobby headed off to New Jersey with that funny little racing car. Luther said it was a Formula Ford but Cletus said he had never heard of any Ford being named “Formula” and besides the thing didn’t even have fenders so he was sure that NASCAR would never it in one of their races even if Ford did try to pass it off as stock. Sometimes we get to thinking that Cletus really is as stupid as he looks, but then we he might be funning us.

Everything went as planned on the trip up to New Jersey and Bobby got to drive the tractor across a big parking lot and he was just having a real good time. Luther introduced him to all his trucking buddies as his new co-driver and Bobby really enjoyed eating in the big truck stops and pumping the fuel. Luther enjoyed it because Bobby was paying for the food and Luther can eat about as much as Cletus though he says that it is hard to find pecan pie once you leave God’s country. Just as they were leaving New Jersey, it started to snow and they had to slow way down. They arrived in Knoxville about midnight and worked their way down through several residential streets to the house where the pickup was. It was sitting out on the street right where it was supposed to be and the title and keys were under the doormat and it looked like everything was working out fine. While Bobby was getting the pickup started, Luther drove the rig down to the end of the cul-de-sac to turn around and then parked and dropped the ramps. Bobby fired up the open header 327. It wasn’t just missing a muffler, it had nothing past the exhaust header pipes. About then, every light in the neighborhood came on. A couple minutes later, half the police in the county showed up. It was like one of them real criminal scenes where the cops jump out of the cars with their pistols drawn and start yelling for everyone to throw down their weapons and get their hands up. Well, with the noise from the Peterbilt idling and the 327 through the open headers and about 50 sirens or sireens as we say around here, Bobby and Luther couldn’t hear a thing being said, but they did catch on that there were a bunch of guns pointed at them so they surrendered forthwith. The police cuffed them and were getting ready to throw them in the police car although they were arguing that they had committed no crime. Luckily, before they could be hauled away, one of the neighbors remembered that the absent homeowner had told him someone from Alabama was coming by to get the pickup. Well, they were able to work it out pretty quickly after that and Bobby and Luther were on their way by 3:00 AM. Just before they pulled out of town, the police sergeant climbed up on the cab and told them that they better not ever come back to his town.

To this day, Bobby likes to say that he and Luther are the only Emporium regulars who have ever been officially run out of town. His pickup? Well, he fixed the brakes and exhaust and it is right nice truck, one of them baby blue and white Fleetsides with the pretty chrome strip down the side.

Bobby enjoyed the trip so much that he went to truck driving school and now drives with Luther on his time off from his rocket scientist job. They don’t haul cars.