Compleat Redneck

Commentary from the boondocks. If it makes any sense, it is just by chance.

Friday, March 21, 2003
I have been asked for my recipe for pecan pie. I will post any recipes sent in since it is made diferently around the country. My recipe has both light and dark Karo syrup. I know some recipes use sorghum and others use a lot of vanilla. If you have one, email it and we will post it for everyone to try.

Cletus would judge a contest for the best recipe but he has never met a piece of pecan pie he didn't think was delicious. There would just be a list of first places.

Cletus says he thinks Mr. Possum is incorrect in his use of quotes on the word "morons". I am not sure. It does not follow the convention we have established for the Compleat Redneck blog since our convention consists of randomly throwing in punctuation based on the idea that we are bound to be right sometime. Sorta of the ten thousand monkey theory of punctuation! Now Mr. Possum has his fancy writer's book from which he often quotes, but I bet it doesn't cover quotation marks and the word 'morons'!

Cletus has watched a little war coverage on the TV in the backroom. He says he just hopes it is over soon.

Update: Cletus is a little peeved that Larry Anderson got Mr. Possum to amend his post and remove the quotations marks around the word "morons". Isn't he supposed to be working and not reading blogs. Bubba said that he thought that was the kettle calling the pot black sinc Cletus has been hanging around here all day when it was plain that the smoking wood is running low.

Cletus managed to get the parts off the old F250 that he needed and he spent most of the night putting the flatbed on his new truck. It looks right nice if you like big old pickups with solid steel plate beds fit for hauling whatever you might want. The folks who use those beds still believe in road-hugging weight. I figger that thing weighs about three tons (tonnes for our British friends) Cletus picked up a nice set of dual wheels from James Earl and the new F250 looks kinda like a big truck now. As I said, it is the same body style as the old F250 and except for all the body parts being there, it looks about the same. Cletus seems to have recovered from the shock of his loss.

One of our 7 readers has asked about the progress of Cletus' political career. Well, he is still in the exploratory stage meaning that he is still trying to figger out if anyone other than him and his Mama is going to vote for him. Bubba and I have told him he has our vote but I don't think he believes us. He is still practicing his Elvis act and is getting pretty good at "Heartbreak Hotel". The problem is he can't do any other Elvis song and as Bubba says, that one was done by the young, slim Elvis not the one that Cletus resembles. Bubba says the scary thing is a bunch of people will pay extra for their BBQ just to see Cletus make a fool of himself. Their Mama says he better not embarrass the family. She is just now able to show her face over his being arrested in that little distilled spirits misunderstanding. If'n she hadn't been able to slip some money, er, talk sense with the sheriff, Cletus woulda done some time over at East Limestone. As it was, all the ladies down at the Missionary Baptist Church all knew and the sad looks directed at her just broke her heart. If Bubba wasn't such a fine upstanding son, she don't know what she would do.

Cletus started to say something about how fine and upstanding Bubba is but Bubba looked real hard at him and he stopped. No sense in really breaking his Mama's heart. He just consoled himself with a few pieces of pecan pie. I',m telling you, the boy is more expensive to feed than any ten teenage boys. Bubba says he must have the world's largest tape worm. Elroy said there was certainly enough room inside Cletus' belt for some kind of record. He wonders if we should call Guiness.

We see that Mr. Possum has been off his feed and hope he recovers before the weekend. From what we hear, there are a number of restaurants around B'Ham depending on him for their survival. If he is going to be laid up long, we'll send Cletus over to take up the slack.

Thursday, March 20, 2003
Our Blog readership seems to be up to seven now if we count Cletus, me and his Mama. Bubba won't admit to reading it. Cletus is going to try to link to Mizz Marcia at Foxfire. I am kind of reluctant to link to her page because it is so nice that you may never come back here once you see it. Cletus says he can do that picture stuff if he really wanted to which is his way of saying he doesn't have any idea how to do it.

Cletus drove his new truck over this morning. It a nice white all over except where the electric company sprayed over their stuff on the doors. Of course it doesn't have a bed since Cletus has to go down to the junkyard and talk old James Earl out of it. James Earl is a pretty good business man. Take stuff down to his junkyard and it ain't worth anything, but ask about some tiny little thing off it after it passes through his gate and it is as valuable as all the gold in Ft. Knox. He and Cletus go way back. I wish I could be there to see two expert BSers, er negotiators in action.

The truck is a big improvement over the old F250. As far as I can tell, it has all the factory body parts still in place and most have their original shape. Elroy up at the Coop was the official driver for most of its life and he is a pretty good driver. He is one of the best dodgers I know. Around here, the drivers are the not best there ever was. Use of turnsignals is strictly optional and any signal given is cause for concern since the driver is probably either unaware that the signal is on or else is trying to lull other drivers into a false sense of security. A few years back, one of the rocket scientists ended up in a fist fight in the middle of Huntsville. He was cut off by a feller in a Lexus. When he pulled up beside the offender at the next light, he asked him how much he had to pay the dealer to delete the turnsignals from such an expensive car. One thing led to another and they ended up whacking each other a couple of times before the light changed. The rocket scientist was real proud of his blackeye and insisted the other guy had gone straight to the hospital.

Anyway, Cletus' new truck only has 350,000 miles on it and it has air-conditioning and a big old diesel motor. He thinks he has died and gone to heaven. Bubba says that is not a good place for Cletus since he wouldn't know anyone there. He is thinking about taking it over to Kudzuboy's brother and have him paint it a nice red.

The nice English gentleman asked that we write a little about the local area and maybe describe what we see from the BBQ Emporium. Cletus is working on that and may even include some links to local attractions. For a pretty good flavor of Southerners, go on over to Possumblog and check out the Axis of Weevil.

It may be a little more flavor than you can stand at one sitting.

Wednesday, March 19, 2003
Cletus saw this over at Possumblog and now he is asking me to contribute to his campaign for county commissioner and says I need to think about uping what I pay him him contract negotiation time comes around. I asked him since when do we have a contract. He cuts the wood. I buy what he cuts and he eats enough pecan pie to make him one of the highest paid mooches in the county. He says it is obvious I have been holding out on him about how much money the BBQ Emporium takes in and he has been very generous in lowballing his wood prices to help out a small business and now he finds he has been duped.

Now the Emporium makes enough that I don't worry about my next meal (that's kind of a pun in case you didn't catch it, you know, makes enough so I don't worry about my next meal? Oh never mind) but we ain't getting rich here. Cletus said that he might just have to go see those folks at Jim 'N Nick's BBQ about selling wood to them. Bubba said that he figgers Cletus might have to spend more than a day a week cutting wood if he tried to provide what those boys use and he doubted that the old F250 would make the trip down to Birmingham very many times considering that it has pretty well fallen apart.

That really hit Cletus hard. He sat there with a hang-dog look and you could almost see tears in his eyes. When Bubba mentioned it, Cletus said that it was because of the onion smell from the kitchen. He finally admitted that the F250 has died.

There was a moment of stunned silence in the Emporium as all the breakfast crowd just sat there and thought about what Cletus said. A man's truck is a part of his family. Cletus has been talking about getting a new truck but we never thought the day would come. Bubba asked him what had happened and Cletus said that everything had died at the same time. Just plain wore out. He has already had the remains towed down to the junkyard. He hopes that some of the F250 vital organs can be used for transplants.

Elroy from up at the electric coop said that they have an almost new F250 (only about 350,000 miles) that they are going to sell and it is the same style as the old F250 and still has all of its parts. He and Cletus have gone off to look it over. It doesn't have a bed since they moved the toolbed to a new truck and Cletus really perked up cause he can transplant the bed from his dead truck. He says he may even be able to use the outside mirrors and the tires ain't that bad.

Anyway, it will keep his mind off what he gets paid..... for a few days anyway.

Tuesday, March 18, 2003
We got a letter from an Englishman who reads this drivel. That's a new word Cletus picked up from the web. Anyway, Cletus is walking around like he is in high cotton. Says that goes to prove his attempt to make us more of a political blog is working. Bubba asked him how he figured that. Cletus says it is obvious to any one with a lick of sense that a sophisticated Englishman would not be interested in the usual postings about the goings on by a bunch of semi-literate rednecks here at the BBQ Emporium. Bubba pointed out that the fact that the gentleman admitted reading this blog removed all possibility of him being a "sophisticate". Cletus said that he had to be more sophisticated than the clientele of the Emporium.

Bubba reminded him of our old friend from Malvern, England who comes through every two years or so. He rides a Harley and sophisticated is not the word you would use to describe him. Cletus said that was because one of the rocket scientists brought him in here when he was working over at the Arsenal and that people like Bubba got him off on the wrong foot and now he thinks everyone in the South is like the people here and besides, Malvern is probably some little country town and our correspondent is probably from London or some big town and not some country bumpkin. (How do you like that last sentence. Down right Faulknerian in its complexity, don't you think?)

I told them I was sorry I even mentioned that we got the message.

Okay, I have never actually read any Faulkner but it sorta perks up a paragraph if you bring in one of them great writer fellers and besides we will probably get some hits from someone looking for a learned critique of Faulkner's work. Actually, the boy was from Mississippi. How sophisticated could he have been himself?

Cletus is right serious about making up a diet and exercise plan and writing a book about it. He says he may even make one of them TV shows where you stand around with barely dressed women and talk excitedly about how you lost inches from your waist in only three days using the Cletus Diet and Exercise Program. Bubba says he thinks the dialog needs a little work before Cletus starts filming. One of the rocket scientists asked if Cletus had ever lost any weight using his diet. Cletus said that depended on how you define "lost weight". He has lost and found a lot of weight in his life using versions of his diet and exercise program.

Now I don't know about you but a diet built around pecan pie is one I could get behind.

It has come to my attention that not everyone knows how pecan pie is made. Well you make up a pie crust or better still, go to the supermarket and buy a premade one. Mix up some corn syrup (some folk use white corn syrup and others use dark or a combination) with sugar and other wholesome ingredients, fill you pie crust with as many pecans as you want, depending on how much you like pecans, then pour your syrup and sugar mix over the pecan and bake. As can see, pecan pie contains both major food groups. sugar and fat. For those trying to avoid actual nutrition be aware that pecans have some food value so you may want to limit the amount you use.

Monday, March 17, 2003
If someone named Mat Morrison actually reads this blog, please send another message to the email address. I do not knowingly answer computer generated messages of any type.

Cletus is trying to figure out how to put one of them hit counters we read about on the blog. Now, we know that that sentence is a little inside out. We read about the hit counters on other blogs and want to put one on this one. Bubba says there is probably not one that can count as few hits as we get. Cletus and I think that is an unfair and hurtful thing to say since we are pretty sure we get at least 5 or six hits a day. We both read the blog and Bubba admits that he does sometimes and their Mama reads it down to the county library and someone surely stumbles across it by mistake.

Ok, smarty-pants. You don't read your own blog? Hah!

Cletus is still all het up about the Elizabeth Smart kidnapping. Says he read where the perp's mouthpiece( Cletus has started to use that kind of talk as he gets farther into his political career) says that the eventual sentence should be light so that kidnappers will be less likely to kill their victims. Cletus says he is thinking about going out to Utah and picketing the mouthpiece's office. Bubba and I are a little concerned about exactly Cletus would go about picketing. We sorta think it might not be the normal kind of picketing.

Well, the strangest thing happened today. If you read this page very often, you know about Cletus' campaign to get us some attention. Well we got an email today from a nice gentleman who said he liked our work. Now I think he is probably someone who passed through here and ate some good BBQ, but Cletus says he thinks the nice man is talking about the Blog. He wants to take credit for the nice email because he insists that he is responsible for 90% of what I post here.

At least we are way down on the get rich messages but old KudzuBoy is getting a whole bunch. He was in today and says that he got 10 get rich messages yesterday and didn't even get a Nigeria message. We only got one. Bubba says that anyone who happens to read this Blog knows that we aren't smart enough to be rich. Cletus says he doesn't think the get rich people actually read the Blogs, they just spam email addresses. Bubba and I were a little unclear on the concept of spamming email addresses not being able to understand how you could get canned fake ham through the internet, but Cletus explained that spamming meant sending junk mail. Well that we understand. Old Earl, our rural letter carrier ( he gets really upset of you call him a mailman) is all stooped from paper spam. We kinda wonder if the little email carrier is getting all stooped too.

Cletus' restaurant of the week is the Casa Blanca mexican restaurant with locations in Madison and Athens, Alabama and Murpheesboro and Fayetteville, Tennessee. Cletus says to be sure to try their Chile Verde.

Now I know it seems strange that a Blog written in the backroom of the BBQ Emporium would be talking about good restaurants, but man cannot live entirely on BBQ and coleslaw. An occasional catfish filet or hot chili pepper is needed for a well balanced diet.

Cletus is thinking about coming out with a "Compleat Redneck Diet" if he can find some little old skinny guy around 200 lbs to grace the cover. Bubba says the Cletus diet may not help you lose weight, but it will definitely be the most fun diet you ever tried. Two or three pieces of pecan pie to start the day is really different from anything you usually see in a diet book.