Compleat Redneck

Commentary from the boondocks. If it makes any sense, it is just by chance.

Friday, May 02, 2003
Cletus has always been one of them "conspiracy" guys. He is convinced that people in black heleicopters flew into Memphis and hauled Elvis a way and faked his death for evil reasons. Why they would do such a thing is not important to his way of thinking. As he says, if'n the bad guys can do all those things James Bond has to fix, then the CIA could nail Elvis. It's a little hard to argue with him on that point so we just usually let it go.

Today he read this at Mr. Possum's:"Sat there for a while admiring the busted knee and lip, and then a bit of weather blew in—like the infamous Iraqi sandstorm (which, in case you didn’t know, was actually caused by a secret experimental CIA weather weapon) the wind started whipping dirt and sand off the field and all sorts of other stuff around". He said he had known it all along and it was just too bad that we wouldn't listen to him when he tried to tell us how good the guvmint has gotten with technology.

Bubba says that if the guvmint is so advanced, why in the heck did they never catch Cletus when he was in the distilled beverage business. Elroy says that he figures even Cletus is smarter than the guvmint. Can't argue with that either.

As you can imagine, the BBQ Emporium is a lot of work to keep up and with the quality of in-house help (Cletus), it would never get done if I didn't have someone to come in and fix the little things that go wrong in the plumbing and electrics. That be Wally. He is a general all around handy man and does right good work and doesn't eat nigh on as much as Cletus and he isn't real expensive either. Plus he shows up when he says he will and sticks around until the job is done. He has been in for three days this week going over little things that need fixing. Cletus really hates it when Wally comes in cause he tells tales about back when they were just out of the Army and running around together getting in trouble and generally being pests. This week he told about the time he and Cletus messed up and found themselves in the middle of about 30 boys from the little town down the road (Let's call it Mugwamp). Now during the daytime, we all got along pretty good, but at night, all the boys kind of reverted to their caveman tribal days and it was not real good to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Of course, we all thought the faster women were in the next town so mostly we braved the risk of bodily damage and ventured into enemy territory seeking fair maidens. (Just kidding about that maiden part)

On the night in question, Cletus and Wally were out trolling when they realized that they were the only two good guys in a crowd of Mugwampers. It was looking pretty bad until Wally remembered that he had his Daddy's double barrel shotgun in the back of the pickup. As the Mugwampers were closing in on them, Wally reached in and got the shotgun. Well, everyone knew he was crazy enough to shoot them so they started backing off. Wally and Cletus were trying to get in the pickup and run, but Wally couldn't find his keys. He handed the shotgun to Cletus so he could use both hands and dig deeper in his pocket.

Cletus stood with the gun pointed in the general direction of the Mugwampers when for some reason, he decided to breech it open. He looked down the breech, only to see that it was not loaded. Of course, Wally knew that all along. The shells were behind the pickup seat. His Daddy would of killed him if he caught him driving around with a loaded Browning in the cab. Everything would have been okay except Cletus felt obligated to tell Wally that the gun wasn't loaded. Of course everyone heard him and started closing in again. Now I don't know what you know about most fights in the old days but they usually consisted of people moving pretty slow in hopes that someone with some sense would break it up before anyone got hurt. Anyway, the closing in was at a right casual pace so Wally managed to find the keys, jump in the truck and fire up the engine. Cletus jumped in the bed as Wally did a donut out of the Diary Delight parking lot. The only injury was when Cletus took the skin off his shins when he didn't quiet clear the tailgate and to his pride when he had to listen to all the jokes about how smart he wasn't after everyone went back to work on Monday and told people from four counties about the unloaded gun and the bright boy who let everyone in on the secret.

Took about ten years for him to live it down. Small towns don't forget things like that. Wally married a girl from Mugwamp and a bunch of them boys married girls from out here and today we get together on Saturdays and watch the grandkids play Soccer.

Wally told that story this week and Cletus is right upset. He says that's what happens when you run for public office. People dig up every stupid thing you ever did.

Bubba told him not to worry. No one has that much time in Cletus' case.

Thursday, May 01, 2003
Good Lord amercy. You can be kicked out of the Axis of Weevil? Here! We here at the BBQ Emporium are devastated . Not being the sharpest tacks in the box, we are sure to make some major faux poxes or something and be goners just like that and us never having gotten the Dreamland Ribs and Cletus looking forward to some "good BBQ" as he says. Next thing you you know. someone will be saying you can have your Southerness or Redneckhood taken away. What is the world coming to?

Them people down in Lower Alabama have that Boll Weevil up on its pedestal but we up here in God's Country have the faux Saturn V which cost a lot more than any weevil statue and you can see it for miles and it cost a lot of money. Did I mention it cost a lot of money? Well don't worry because unless you are a taxpayer the money doesn't matter because our politicians assure us that no tax dollars were injured or killed during the making of the Saturn V fake that would have been a restaurant or otherwise useful thing if they had not run out of all that money before getting to the revenue producing stuff, but since it didn't cost any taxpayer dollars, why should we care? For you first time readers of Compleat Redneck, you will note the Faulknerian nature of the proceeding sentence. For you non-first time readers, you knew better before stopping by here.

Cletus says we need to work on our Gore Vidalian sentences, but we have not been able to come up with enough paranoia or stupidity even after scrounging up all we could find in five counties. Elroy says it must be a Bush conspiracy to gather up all the stupidity and ship it off to Iraq or someplace and trade it for oil. Bubba says he has been reading too many Kilgore Trout books. Cletus says he thinks there was only one Kilgore Trout book published since Mr. Trout was so embarrassed by the low quality of his writing that he burned all his manuscripts as soon as he completed them. If you don't know who Kilgore Trout is, then go here.

I wonder if Gore Vidal is related to the South Georgia sweet onion.

Fried Pies! Janis Gore and I have been talking about the fried fruit pies our grandmothers made. Now we both are thinking about attempting to make some ourselves.

Mr. Possum posted about the Alabama Leg's voting the blackberry the Alabama state fruit so this is kind of a fruity day at the old Axis of Weevil. Cletus says that the Legislature made a big mistake voting the blackberry the state fruit. He says that with our legislature, we do not need another state fruit. Elroy asked if we actually had multiple state fruits since we have over 100 legislators or if they all only counted for one fruit and now we have two state fruits. Bubba said that he was concerned that we would soon be competing with California to be the "cereal state". You know, the land of fruits, nuts and flakes. Elroy said we should get our little chillun down at the elementary school to write letters asking that the Pecan be named the Alabama state nut. We all agreed that there was way too much competition for that title since you would have to open it up to practically everyone in the state especially any politician.

Cletus says we are being unfair since not all politicians are nuts. Bubba looked at Cletus for the longest time, turned to us and said: "I rest my case".

Wednesday, April 30, 2003
We just got a nasty note from Kudzu Boy complaining about Cletus' "prissy Cooper Mini" comment. We forgot that he has an old Mini up on blocks. Cletus is wondering if a Mini on blocks is the same as pickup on blocks as far as Redneckdom goes.

So Cletus comes in all bent out of shape because Mr. Possum done gone and added two new people to the Axis of Weevil and scientists at that and he says it is probably my fault because I have been a slacker in my posting and want let him have the password to keep up the required torrid pace of posting to be a Weevil in good standing. Bubba asked if anyone knew what a "political scientist" is. There doesn't seem to be any science to the politics in Alabama. In fact we ain't sure most of our politicians could spell scientist, present company excepted in deference to Cletus our very own up and coming politician.

Cletus is not happy about the truck on blocks comments either. The new old F250 is up on blocks as Cletus does its spring maintenance and cleaning and he doesn't appreciate comments about trucks on blocks from someone who probably drives a Honda or maybe even one of them prissy little Cooper Minis we been seeing around here lately. Just how much wood can you boys haul he wants to know. Bubba said that he wasn't sure that political scientists did a lot of wood hauling and that a Honda probably works right good hauling student papers around.

Well, that set Cletus back on his heels. Seems he didn't see the part about college professors. Now he is afraid that the neighborhood is getting too high falutin for the likes of us. Anyway, welcome to the Axis of Weevil Steve and James.

Cletus has really been down in the dumps about his free speech rights being trampled on by the Smith family and by the lack of sympathy from his own family and friends. Elroy says Cletus should be able to see the Smith's position on this since they don't want the son-in-law moving in with them. Cletus is considering dropping his bid for County Commissioner but Mary Ruth his girlfriend and campaign manager won't hear of it. Bubba suggested that Cletus do a little sales work and offer his excess firewood to to others in the community. We have a number of newcomers here and they probably don't know that we have our own local firewood company. Why, they may even be buying those little bundles of firewood down at the Walmart Supercenter. Bubba says one of those will last you about ten minutes. Cletus has decided that he will "buy" advertising on the BBQ Emporium's menu. I tried to tell him that we don't do a lot of changing of the menu and don't really see how we can sell him advertising. The next thing I know, he comes in with a bunch of them little post-it notes printed up with his firewood offer and now he is going around sticking them to all the menus and on the napkin holders. Bubba suggested that he print up a few million of them with his political message and post them on everything in the county. Elroy asked what the message would be and Bubba said "Cletus Jones, No Smarter Than You".

We are having a big yard sale down at the church house and I went over to the fried pie lady's house and picked up her donation to the sale. I was really hoping for a fried pie as my reward. Maybe she will cook some up for the sale itself since the ladies usually have a bake sale on our yardsale day.

Yardsale are funny things. I go up and watch the church yardsale every year just to see people in action. Conversations go something like this" "You know what this is, Jethro?" "

"Can't say that I do"

"What you think we could use it for"

"Probably to sell in a yard sale"

"Ma'am, will you take $2 for this? It's marked $5."

"Make it three and it's yours."