Compleat Redneck

Commentary from the boondocks. If it makes any sense, it is just by chance.

Thursday, May 08, 2003
Not much happening around here today. We are still drying out from the near flood a couple of days ago and people are not yet showing any inclination to do anything other clean up around their houses and businesses. Cletus says it is times like this when he really appreciates the fact that his business is outside. Bubba asked him how his pigs fared and he said they did really good. You may remember that Cletus in in the "free range pork" business and not he is crowing because as he says, he was ahead of the rest of the world with his idea. Actually, he is just too lazy to build pens to keep the pigs in. Bubba says that it a combination of laziness and cheapness since Cletus' pigs dine over at other people 's farms as much as they do at his place.

The free range pork idea is catching on with a meat packer up north somewhere paying a premium for hogs not raised in big feed lots. Cletus' pigs certainly fit that bill.

As I said, not much going on here.

Wednesday, May 07, 2003
Cletus says I was a little unclear about the feller Sally Jo done run off with. He was one of them show dog enthusiasts. I am sorry if Sally Jo may have been reading the blog and maybe felt I left the idea hanging out there that she was the "dog" the feller was an enthusiast for.

Cletus just noticed that Mr. Possum and Marc Velazquez are talking about starting an anti-idiotarian blog and are maybe inviting Axis of Weevil members to join. We are so embarrassed. All this time we thought the word was "anti-ideotarian" and have been striving to not be ideologs, whatever that is. As we have said many times, we may be rednecks but we ain't stupid which most likely means we ain't idiots but if we were, how would we know? Cletus says this just proves that he was right when he tried to get me to form some kind of coherent political message for the blog. Bubba says that is an oxymoron.

That last paragraph looks like it came from "Forest Gump" a book we highly recommend as being highly accurate, especially as it depicts Univ. of Alabama people. You should probably skip the part about the cannibals and pygmies. No, as far as we know, there are no cannibals at the U of A.

You will note that we have managed to insult both AU and UofA today.

I see that Mr. Possum has started something with his story of living in a trailer during his years at Auburn, Alabama's premier institute of higher learning although the premierism is not always obvious from observing the graduates of that fine institute. I think there are a few of the "made up" words Mr. Possum likes in that last sentence. Anyway, trailer living is right common around here. It is kinda high cotton living for a lot of folks. You can go get your regular trailer or your doublewide, pay a little down and if'n you are lucky, the trailer will outlast the payments.

Cletus lived in a trailer for a while and he says it is not bad. It came from the factory with all the furniture you could want and it was real easy moving in since he didn't have to load all his old stuff on the old F250 and truck it over to his new digs. In fact, he didn't even have to use the F250 at all since he had the trailer pulled in back of his Mama's house and hooked up to her water and electricity. Of course when he put the hot tub in his living room, Mizz Jones got a bit upset over the increase in her utility bills and made him get his own meters. Took a bit of the niceness out of trailer living so Cletus sold his trailer and moved in with Sally Jo who became his 5th or 6th wife before she ran off with the dog enthusiast she met on the internet. Cletus took it real hard and had to eat an extra bait of pecan pie to assuage his hurt feelings. He took his hot tub and moved back to his Mama's. Mizz Jones would have been better off to just pay for the extra water and electricity to run his trailer.

Cletus says he thinks it is okay to live in a trailer since it is economical housing for a lot of people, but he is a little bothered when the cars and trucks parked around the trailer cost a lot more than the trailer. On the other hand, what people do with their money is their business. Cletus expects the trailer people to be among his biggest supporters during his race for county commissioner next year since the Smith boy has never lived in a trailer and won't understand their needs like Cletus does. I'm not exactly sure what he is talking about but I am sure I will find out soon.

Tuesday, May 06, 2003
Good lordamercy! It has rained and winded something fierce this morning. I see on the TV that Huntsville has some serious flooding and from what I have seen going down the road in front of he BBQ Emporium, Mizz Gore is going to be seeing a good portion of North Alabama coming by her house in a few days. It will be the really red dirt if you are out looking for it. Dan (storms are my friends) Satterfield says we have had 6 inches of rain since mid-night and will probably get another 3-6 inches before the day is over.

Cletus loves a good storm. He can sometimes stay out of the woods for days after a real good rain like this one. For one of them manly outdoors people, he sure does spend a lot of time sitting around watching the TV and playing on the computer. If he ain't careful, he may lose his farmers tan and his redneck which might disqualify him from hanging around here. We are still trying to figure out if it is possible to lose your redneckhood. Bubba says he thinks not. He falls back on the old saw "You can take the boy out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the boy".

I am not right sure that applies since it is not necessary to be a country boy to be a redneck. I think it is more of a state of mind and if you lose it, you may not be a redneck anymore. Bubba says it is a deep, philosophical question and is best left to the philosophers. That's when Cletus piped up and said he would work on it since he is thinking about restarting his career as a philosopher. One thing about not being too concerned about making money is that you can have just about any career you decide on. Cletus said he could be a college professor if he really wanted to be. He would probably be unemployed, but he can easily declare himself anything he wants to be. He says he has a lot more career choices than those who limit themselves to actual qualifications and experience. I guess he has a point there. You have to admit he may be the only woodcutting, philosopher, political candidate, pig farmer there is and if he adds college professor to his resume, he will be more unique.

Now I know that if you say "unique", the adjective "more" shouldn't be used but when you are as unique as Cletus, any addition needs description.

Well, I see that this post is making less than usual so talk to you later.

MIzz Gore, please wave at our dirt as it passes through your loverly state.

Monday, May 05, 2003
We had our big yardsale at Church Saturday. It was a really good day for it being mostly cool and cloudy, but not raining. Mizz Philips brought some of her fried pies for the ladies bake sale. She made peach and apple and brought a big plate of each. There was a rush like a bunch of Sooners after prime farmland or women at a white sale. I managed to knock a couple of the ladies aside and get me one peach pie. It was awful good. I really do have to learn how to make fried pies.

The apple pie plate got put behind some other baked goods and no one noticed it until Cletus showed up about halfway through the day. He found the whole full plate and bought all of the apple pies Mizz Philips made. Wouldn't share with anyone. Said it was purely fate that let him and him alone find those pies. He took them home and said he was going to eat one a day until they are all gone. Cletus didn't make any friends over his hogging all the pies. Bubba said I orta cut off his pecan pie ration for a week or two.

We made a good bit of money and will use it to send the high school kids off to Florida to work at a mission for migrant workers down there. They will do a vacation bible school and read to little kids. They have a couple of hundred kid show up every day.