Compleat Redneck

Commentary from the boondocks. If it makes any sense, it is just by chance.

Friday, May 23, 2003
Cletus says he has been studying up on Governor Riley's tax increase plan and it looks pretty reasonable to him although he doesn't understand why the increase has to be twice the current budget shortfall. Bubba says that is so Riley can get the Senators and Reps to vote for his increases since they see a lot more money to steal if there is a few extra hundred million dollars lying around.

Cletus asked if Bubba could name one instance of outright theft by our elected representatives. Bubba said that most of them are too smart to just steal the money. It gets put in special appropriations that are doled out to the friends and relatives of the lawmakers. Of course, occasionally someone such as Sen. Bedford gets a little too big for his britches and a little too obvious and there is a big stink and the other Senators have to take his cookie jar a way until next year. See, these people don't look on it as getting caught with their hands in the cookie jar, they look on the cookie jar as being their very own.

Thursday, May 22, 2003
Cletus and Mary Ruth were over in Huntsville around lunch time today and stopped in at the Wildflour Bistro on Jordan Lane for what he describes as an exquisite meal. Now, I know that doesn't fit right well well with your image of Cletus as some big, bumbling redneck, but he does truely love his food and would make a really good restuarant reviewer.

A couple of weeks ago, he stopped in at a chain Eyetalian place and he described it as a good deal for those seeking to consume the highest percentage of fat possible in a given volume of food. The service was less than spotty and Mr. Clean could make a fortune on the dirt inside and outside the restaurant. The softserve ice cream was good. Cletus does not mince words.

Anyway, this Wildflour Bistro apparently has a real chef rather than an untrained food smoker (a thinly veiled reference to yours truely, I think) and they have a dessert chef. Cletus and MR shared a piece of raspberry cheese cake with chocolate that he says was good enough to make him consider giving up pecan pie. The entrees were individually prepared and came to the table steaming hot. The vegetables were crisp and the flavors finely matched to the entree. The servers were attentive, watching not only thier own tables, but keeping a close eye on all client's drinks. Cletus says the Wildflour is a definite keeper. High praise indeed!

Tuesday, May 20, 2003
Cletus insists that he just saw a couple of fellers gathering in animals two by two. I am not sure if I should take him seriously or not. It has rained everyday for two weeks and the ground is completely soaked. The local cotton fields are under water and it looks like a good bit of the crop is lost. It's a good thing that Cletus' free range pigs can swim or else we might have BBQ crisis before long. If you think a gas shortage is bad, wait until you experience a BBQ shortage. I am using the tried a true method of weather prediction: Tomorrow will probably be a lot like today. I think that works about 60% of the time and certainly beats our forecasters' success rates.

Bubba says he is really concerned about the contagion moving across state lines. I asked him if he was talking about SARS and he said no, he was talking about politicians crossing state lines. Seems he has been reading about the Texas Democrats who went to Oklahoma to keep the Texas legislature from having a quorum or something like that. Bubba says he is not real sure what a quorum is but it sounds like a real bad disease to him. Disease? Did you ever think about that word? Dis-ease. The lack of ease. Doesn't sound nearly as bad as sick a dog does it?

Where was I? Oh yeah, politicians crossing state lines. Bubba says it is something that we really need to be concerned about because, lord knows, we have just about all the politicians we can handle here in Alabama and if they start coming in from Mississippi, Tennessee, Florida and Georgia, what little sense is left in this state would be overcome. Bubba has a theory that stupidity is a one of them geometric functions that he once read about in a math class. He was not real good with the math, but he tried to at least appear interested by reading up on concepts that he now throws into conversation to confuse the rest of us. He says his theory is that a little stupidity goes along way. Elroy said Bubba means it multiplies like mosquitos. That we understand. Anyway, with politicians crossing state lines, no telling what could happen.

Cletus says we are being unfair, that not all politicians are stupid or evil. Of course, he has to say that since he is still building up to the big announcement that he is throwing his cap into the ring for County Commissioner. I know you usually throw a hat into the ring, but Cletus only has his old John Deere cap so that'll have to do.

Bubba said we need to petition the government so that appropriate measures can be taken to keep us from being overrun with out-of-state politicians, but then it hit him that any petition we got up would be sent to our own politicians.

Elroy's brother Jim Brown was in this morning. Jim Brown is one of them religious Democrats. He takes everything the Democrat Party says as the Gospel. He actually likes politicians as long as they are Democrats. He and Cletus got in quite an argument about Cletus' run for County Commissioner since Cletus can't make up his mind if he is Republican or a Democrat and Jim Brown says that is like saying you can't make up your mind about whether you are a Baptist or one of them Atheists. Jim Brown is pretty convinced the correctness of his beliefs and doesn't admit that there might be other valid points of view. To him, there is only those who agree with him and the evil empire. There are Baptist and Atheists. What really puts him off his feed is the fact that there are Republicans down at the First Baptist Church. It is good fun ask him about that since he spends a lot of time trying to iqnore inconvenient facts.

Bubba says maybe Jim Brown should get into politics since he already holds contradictory views. The rest of us think that is a bad idea, since then we would have to listen to both him and Cletus.