Compleat Redneck

Commentary from the boondocks. If it makes any sense, it is just by chance.

Thursday, August 21, 2003
Dear Cletus,

I just paid off my trailer and now my wife says she is moving out and wants half of all my worldly goods which are my trailer, my 73 Camaro with a real strong 350, my bass boat and fishing supplies, my Chevy 1500 extended cab pickup and my almost complete set of SnapOn tools. As you can see, there is not really anything there that I can sell to get money to give to her. Now I have to tell you there ain't no kids involved and we didn't ever really get married, but she is telling me something about some common law stuff and I don't want to mess with no lawyer, common or otherwise. I have some savings in my retirement at work down at Billy Ray's Construction and Buck Stove Company. I am thinking about cashing that in and letting her have the trailer and what money I have.

I was wondering if you could recommend a good camper for the 1500?


Stressed in Section

Dear Stressed,

As you know, I am a Ford man myself and normally wouldn't stoop to discussing Chevy accessories, but I think your best bet is some marine grade plywood and some spray paint that sorta matches the substandard paint job on the "truck" since spending any extra money trying to dress up a Chevy would be wasted.

Is she a good cook?


Cletus has been on me right hard about the recent low level of blogging and complaining because what little there has been, he had to write. Well, there just hasn't been a lot going on to write about. I suppose I could write about the weather, but what can you say about August in the Tennessee River Valley. Hot, humid, hot, damp, hot, oh and did I mention hot. Well, not this year. This has been a strange summer with lots of rain and not real high temperatures. You could even call it pleasant, but the humidity would make a liar of you.

It is a little too early to start talking politics although the tax plan and Judge Roy provide lots of fodder but there's not much we at the BBQ Emporium can add to either discussion. From what we hear from the people who come through here, the tax plan is going down big. People just don't trust the politicians to do the right things with the money if they get it. Cletus suggested to a feller the other day, that if he distrusts the politicians so much, then he just orta help vote our local representives out, but the man said he likes Sen. Barron. It is those other feller who are the problem. Cletus said he thought the about 1/4,200,000 of the problem was flapping his lips in the Emporium. Went right over the fellers head. I guess big little numbers are beyond him.

Cletus was all fired up last night. He was listening to talk radio and some caller said she couldn't understand why Gov. Riley hadn't fired Chief Justice Moore over the Ten Commandments Monument. Cletus said that all you had to do to understand what is wrong with Alabama is to listen to local talk radio and read the call ins to the local papers where people don't have to give their names. We have more than our fair share of idiots. Elroy said he thought Cletus was being unfair but Cletus said he was probably under estimating the percentage of idiots. Anyone who ever went to school orta know the Governor can't fire the Chief Justice or a Senator since he thinks he learned about the separation of powers in the fourth grade. Bubba said he thought it was the 8th. Anyway, we all agreed that it would be pretty hard for anyone to miss every day that subject came up, so if they don't know it, they are idiots.

Cletus said he rested his case.

Judge Roy doesn't have a lot of support among our regulars. Most think his primary concern is positioning himself for higher office. Cletus says he is bothered by people who worship a God they have to take care of and help out. A couple of the guys think that the Feds are being heavyhanded, but we generally agree that it is past time when Alabamians should be proud of looking like complete imbeciles to the rest of the nation.

Okay, we done done it now. We have talked about politics and religion in the same post.

Tuesday, August 19, 2003
Just Rewards

We once had an old boy round here who thought he was pretty smart. He had him a nice little wife who worked a couple of jobs and was doing a right good job of raisin' their younguns. He wasn't so sorry that he wouldn't hit a lick at a snake, but he was real close. He liked to come into the BBQ Emporium and tell how he got his wife to do things he orta been doing himself. He got that girl to change transmissions in his old cars, fix the motors, mow the sorry lawn they had and still do all the cooking, cleaning and youngun caring. He bragged that he had never changed a diaper and never would. I guess he thought we admired him for the manly way he ran his household.

Cletus asked him how he managed to do it and he said that he had explained to his wife that he was doing it for her since he might not always be there for her since the men in his familiy tended to die young and it was important that she know how to take care of all the things men normally did so she wouldn't have to go hiring someone to do it after he was gone.

We all waited around for her to catch on to him since we figured it would be as exciting as WWII when she finally did. One of the insurance fellers came in one day and said the old boy had been in to see about getting a life insurance policy on himself. Seems he had done such a good job convincing his wife how important he was that she was all teary about how on earth she would get by if'n he was to die so he wanted to get a life insurance policy to ease her mind. I remember Cletus saying that the boy might not be as smart as he thought he was if'n he was that dumb.

Well he bought the policy and paid on it for a few years. It was one of them cheap term policies and he bought a big amount so that his wife would feel good about it and quit crying all the time. A couple years back, she bought him a bass boat so he could spend more time fishing and enjoying himself. As I hear it, he got a flyer in the mail saying the bass were really big and hungry down on one of the deeper parts of the river. Later on, Cletus said he always thougt that bass prefered the shallow waters but then we weren't asked. The old boy went out there during one of them bass fishing tournaments and his dern boat sank and apparently his life preserver was bad. They found his body a few days later. Deader than a doornail he was. We went to the funeral and the Missus was all tore up. She cried so hard that she got all of us just a bawling and we didn't even miss the feller that much.

Her new husband comes in here pretty regular. He is a nice feller and works over at the Arsenal operating a backhoe. Works real hard too. The Missus doesn't work anymore. She got a real good payoff on the insurance and bought herself a nice little house with a big green lawn that her new husband mows.

The insurance company did a big investigation but they couldn't find anything wrong with the boat or life preserver.

Cletus says he doesn't care what they say. If you gonna be a smart aleck with your wife, don't get a big insurance policy. It ain't good to be worth more to your wife dead than alive especially if she already knows how to fix a transmission.

Dear Cletus,

I have recently started a Blog and can't seem to get anyone to read what I write. Can you give me some tips on how to get more readers?

Lonesome and Unread

Dear Lonesome and Unread,

First, you need to get a life. If you thought that people would read what you write when they don't listen to what you say, then you have a tough road to hoe in life as well as in the Blogosphere. On top of that, you are asking us? If Billy Joe Bob didn't read his own drivel 50 times a day, he wouldn't get morn two hits tops. (I stuggled with that word back there ,"morn", and that is the best I could come up with for a spelling)

On the other hand, criticising Judge Roy Moore or leaving comments on the sites of Bloggers with actual readers seems to help.

Cletus says writing those long (for him) stories really takes it out of him and he just hasn't felt up to doing much of anything for the last few days. Bubba said that he hadn't noticed any change in Cletus' activity other than a little more eating. I guess things are back to normal. Cletus says he has received a few questions from readers needing advice and he will get around to them as soon as he gets to feeling better. I think he sent them to himself, but we'll just have to wait and see how this turns out.

Summer is winding down. It has rained a lot this summer and Cletus has not been able to get out and cut much wood, anyway that is his story. I told him I noticed that the other woodcutters seem to have been pretty busy since they have stacks of wood for sale. He says it must be wood they had left over from last year.

Cletus is struggling with his decision to run for County Commissioner. He says that he is not sure the County is ready for a dynamic leader. Bubba says in that case Cletus should shore 'nough run so the County doesn't get something it is not ready for. That just made Cletus more depressed and now he isn't talking at all.

We aren't getting as many of the rocket scientists in this week as usual. Seems they have a big get together at the Von Braun Center in Huntsville and they are serving a continental breakfast. I think our business will pick up on Thursday since those continental breakfasts don't stick to your bones like a good old sausage and biscuit does.

Mizz Gore asked us what Contemporay Southern, upscale low country cooking is. Apparently some folks out around Charleston are having some kind of cooking revival and are calling it upscale low country cooking. Cletus says you don't get anymore upscale than BBQ, but he is willing to run down to Charleston and check it out. He figures any kind of Southern cooking is good, but now he is back in the dumps since no one around here was willing to pay his expenses for the trip.

Maybe someone out Charleston way reads this and can tell us what Contemporary Southern upscale low country cooking is.

Elroy says if it involves coon or possum, he doesn't want to know.