Compleat Redneck

Commentary from the boondocks. If it makes any sense, it is just by chance.

Wednesday, September 03, 2003
We have gotten a couple of emails that Cletus was a little harsh with old Fashionable in Fayetteville. We don't think so! The boy is obviously a dummy and it does him no good for Cletus to lie about the situation and let him continue to wallow in his fantasies. One thing we have learned is that there are not a lot of truly stupid people around, but there are a lot of real uninformed folks who don't have a clue to what is going on around them. Their actions are right hard to tell from stupid, but Cletus says he doesn't intend to enable them in their pilgrimage to true stupidity.

Better a few whacks upside his redneck head than a lifetime of missed possibilities.

Okay, enough deep stuff. It is raining. The air has that really nice "hot, dusty day after a rain" smell and it is just too nice to worry much about that kind of thing.

Cletus says he is looking forward to his jam session this week. He has been learning the words to Merle's "I Think I'll Just Stay Here and Drink" and thinks it will be a big hit at the session. Bubba asked him if he had told the people who play the instruments about his new song since they might want to practice a little too. Cletus said he didn't see why since all they had to do was play a few chords and keep halfway decent time.

I give him about two weeks in the "band".

Tuesday, September 02, 2003
I think Cletus has been listening to too much Dr. Laura.


Dear Cletus,

My wife is upset over my spending money to keep my car in top-notch condition. I have me a '69 Chevy, 2 door hardtop and I like to keep up with the times and be as modern as I can. I bought me some of those big old 24 inch wheels and low profile tires and I think it makes the Chevy look right nice. My wife says I should have spent the money on a down payment on a newer car that can be depended on to get me to work since I am nigh on to losing my job for being late too many times. I think that I should hang on to the Chevy since it is a classic and they don't make them anymore. What can I do to convince her that I am right.

Fashionable in Fayetteville

Dear Fashionable,

What is with you Chevy fellers? Do you not have a thimble full of brains among the lot of you? It is people like you who give us rednecks a bad name. Putting $2000 worth of tires and wheels on $50 car doesn't make sense. You probably park the car and your fancy wheel beside your 1957 trailer where you live with your wife and four little kids who are already planning on dropping out of school so they can be just like Daddy; idiots. Get a car that will get you to work since someone has seen fit to hire you. There can't be many jobs for complete waste of protoplasm such as yourself.


Back to our labors, not that we ever stopped. Weekends and holidays are among our busiest times. Cletus says they just wear him out. I asked him if he had written the stories he promised and he says he was just too busy. Seems he and Mary Ruth spent the weekend visiting antique shops and fancy eateries. I guess he is worn out from all the eating but it hasn't slowed him down in that department as far as I can tell.

Cletus says that from the yard signs he saw on his weekend roadtrip, it looks like about a 2 to 1 margin against the Governor's tax plan. He is basing that on the ratio of "vote no" to 'vote yes" signs in yards. Cletus says he has not decided how to vote. He thinks both sides could benefit from a little more honesty in their campaigning. I agree with him there. If you are going to lie, at least make it hard to check. Bubba says I am being too harsh calling it lying. He says it is more like "creative misinformation". Apparently there is a difference, although I can't understand what it is. As an example, one of the local school board members wrote that a "no" vote would result in a 20% cut in state services, yet the deficit is less than 4% of the state budget. Elroy says that strikes him as evidence that the board member skipped school the day they studied math.

On the "vote no" side, Charles Bishop, former agriculture commisioner and Riley cabinet member says that taxes shouldn't be raised on timber because it takes years for the crop to grow. Bubba says that sounds like one of them non-sequitor things your hear about. I told him he needs to quit using words neither he nor I know what they mean and I don't know how to spell. Since I started this Blog, all the BBQ Emplorium denizens have been trying to improve their vocabularies hoping to be quoted saying something erudite whatever that is. Elroy came up with that one.

Anyway, the referendum is giving politicians an opportunity to hone their skills in an off year.

I wonder if we could get Arnold to come down to Alabama and campaign for Governor Riley's plan. We could use some entertainment about now.

One final tax quote. The state superintendent of educations says that if the plan does not pass, education will take a $75 million hit resulting in a loss of 6000 jobs. Bubba, who was in school on math day, says that is one job for each $12,500. Since the Supe says there will be other drastic measures taken besides job cuts, the best we can figure, state employees are paid way under minimum wage.