Compleat Redneck

Commentary from the boondocks. If it makes any sense, it is just by chance.

Friday, September 19, 2003
Cletus says we should lobby Mr. Possum to set up an Axis of Weevil group blog and then we are sure to get the heavy hits and be in the big leagues and more people will come over here and read the erudite content we strive so mightily to include in every post.

Cletus is still upset over the hit numbers for other blogs especially ones without the high quality drivel found here. He says that he gets compliments all the time about his writing and can't believe that thousands of people don't read this blog everyday. I mentioned that he had not finished the stories he promised a month ago so people may have gone where they can read good stuff not this electron wasting filler we have been posting lately.

Cletus said he was suffering from writers block and couldn't come up with a single idea.

Bubba asked if he had received any good questions to answer. Cletus says lately they have been more in the form of suggestions and mostly unprintable. He said he did have one asking which year of F250 is the best, but couldn't answer because there is no way to choose when faced with perfection.

Elroy asked Cletus what he thought the content of an Axis of Weevil blog would be and he said he thought it would have to be devoted to all around Southern Goodness, trucks, Mamas, huntin', fishin', Walmart and the Big K, eatin', pecan pie and an occasional foray into politics and religion if you found the chance to "bless someone's heart". And BBQ, Gumbo, Catfish, Jambalaya, down home Mexican cooking ( talk about your true Southerners) and maybe lemon icebox pie recipes.

Bubba said that seemed to be about the content of the current Axis of Weevil stable except for that Acidman feller who tends to talk about things he doesn't even want to think about, but even he talks about his Mama and he does have a decent guitar ( need to add that to the list of topics) and probably eats grits.

I think we are getting way off subject.

Cletus' toe is mostly healed up and he says he figures that he can get back to work next week if'n it don't rain. He is thinking about getting into a new business selling little sawdust replicas of Judge Roy's rock. He says the way he has it figured, the sawdust is free. All he has to do is come up with a little mold and some glue and he is in business. Bubba suggested Ten Commandment keyrings with Roy's picture on the opposite side. Elroy said he thinks a t-shirt with Roy's picture on the front and the commandments on the back would sell good.

Cletus said he didn't think that was such a good idea because then someone might actully read them and know what they say.

A cynic to the end.

Thursday, September 18, 2003
"Billy Joe Bob" Cletus said. "You need to put more money in the BBQ Emporium so that the quality of the BBQ will improve." I asked where I should put it and he said he wasn't sure but if I were to invest a few thousand dollars, I would have the best BBQ in the Nation in only three years.

I asked if I should use the money to get a new cook or a new woodcutter (thereby putting both Cletus and me out of work) or if I should invest in a new pit or some research on better sauces. He said he wasn't real sure exactly what I needed to invest in but he didn't want us missing out on the opportunity to be a world class BBQ cookery like Alabama was going to miss out on being world class student factory.

Bubba asked where he came up with such a stupid idea and Cletus said he had just got round to reading Superintendent's Richardson's promise to make Alabama schools the best in the nation in only three years if he got a few hundred million more in funding.

Elroy said he thought the vote was last week and pretty well settled so why were we still talking about it. Cletus said he was just wondering about why Alabama kids can't read since they do go to school and there are teachers who are getting paid and principals who are principaling and superintendents superintendenting. Seems that if Mr. Richardson could have done so much with the schools for a measly few million dollars, I could do wonders with the BBQ Emporium by investing for the future.

Bubba said that Cletus was making less sense than usual which was pretty pitiful if you thought about it. Cletus said that he was just saying that he couldn't understand how Alabama could achieve such wonders with a few hundred million dollars if it kept the same teachers and their bosses.

Elroy says he is happy to see that Sen. Bedford interprets the vote as an endorsement of pass-through pork since that meant that our friends over in Russellville will continue to get lots of taxpayer money for their local projects. Now if we could just get Sen Barron to step up to the plate for us.... oh sorry, that would be the plate at the Lowell Barron ballfield next door to the Lowell Barron Senior Center on the Lowell Barron Highway that runs by the Lowell Barron parking lot at the community college with the Lowell Barron classroom.... we could share in the bounty.

Bubba said he thought there was something wrong with the idea of getting lots of state money for local projects, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it. If Russellville gets more money for local projects that the Russellville citizen pay in total taxes, that couldn't possible mean that some town down in Greene County doesn't get what it really needs.

I got so confused by the whole discussion that I called down to the bank to see about mortgaging the Emporium to get money for improvements. Gotta be world class even if I don't know what that means.

Bubba says he thinks it means that if the state had been spending more money on schools when we were kids, the grammar would be better on this Blog. I don't know. I never could listen to more than one teacher at a time.

Wednesday, September 17, 2003
Cletus came limping in here with a big old bandage on his foot and one of those blue shoe things so he could walk. Said he dropped a log on his foot and dern near broke it and it didn't do his foot any good either. The Doc said he needed to stay off his feet for a few days and he is spending them here. I suggested that he would get more rest at home than here, but he said his Mama wasn't feeling real good and he didn't want to be bothering her.

She did ask him to pick up some milk and bread which I took to mean her rheumatism is acting up and she thinks the hurricane will get this far inland. Mizz Jones rheumatism is a right good weather predictor although she can only tell you that the weather is about to change not which way it is going to go. Bubba said he had been worried about who would do the family predictions when their Mama was gone but now that Cletus has a banged up foot, he will probably get the rheumatism and be able to predict that the weather is going to change.

Cletus said he had read somewhere that if you predict tomorrow's weather will be like today's you will right about two thirds of the time which is 100% better than the TV guys. Bubba said he didn't believe that statistic. As far as he can tell, our local weather predictors stand outside in the rain and still can't predict that it is raining. Bubba is a little upset after the case of flashlights incident a couple years back when there was supposed to be a big icestorm and it didn't come-plus his wife bought a bunch of milk and bread and they don't use either.

Bubba is on one of those low carb diets and eats only the things he likes which are mainly catfish, barbeque and steaks. It works out pretty good since he has a pond with some big cats, he raises cattle and eats in here a lot. I have tried to tell him that pecan pie is mostly carbs, but he says he needs to get his fruits and vegetables in and pecans must be one or the other and the last time he looked, corn is a vegetable. I have to admit that there is corn syrup in pecan pies but I am not sure that it counts as a vegetable. I have to say he doesn't eat as much as Cletus, but then no one I know does.

Cletus has really been enjoying his singing gigs on Thursday nights. He says that if the boys who play the instruments could just get their acts together, he thinks they are almost ready for the public. I told him we don't have any room for entertainers at the BBQ Emporium just to head him off before he decides they will start playing here.

Mr. Possum won a bunch of BBQ dinners and some race track tickets. Cletus said that since we have never received the Dreamland BBQ we were promised as new members of the Axis of Weevil, maybe we should write him and ask can we be among his 63 closest friends when he goes to eat the BBQ. Bubba told him to not be silly. A sophisticated gentleman such as Mr. Possum obviously can't be seen with a bunch of big, weight enhanced, overhaul wearing rednecks even if it is in a BBQ joint and besides, at today's gas prices it would cost more to get to B'Ham than the BBQ is worth.

Cletus said not if we each eat two or three plates and help Mr. Possum out. So far he has no takers on his plan and he can't drive with his banged up foot so I guess he'll just have to eat here.

Tuesday, September 16, 2003
Cletus said he is looking forward to the four day school weeks the Superintendent of Education is talking about. That is a little strange since he doesn't have kids in school, but he said the way he looked at it, a four day school week meant there would be a bunch of strapping boys available to help out in his woodcutting business. Bubba pointed out that the boys wouldn't be getting much work unless Cletus increased his activity level and that he doubted the old BBQ Emporium could afford too many of Cletus' helpers if they were doing like Cletus and eating all day.

Elroy said he is worried about all the non-government agencies that will have their state funds cut. Someone asked how many times Elroy had been to any of the museums and he said he never had been to one, but people did go to museums and attended private colleges and high schools and now it would be more expensive for them.

Bubba said that there were probably a number of good things that will be cut, but that this exercise was letting the voters see what a lot of tax dollars go for.

Personally, I have a little bit of a problem with funding the private colleges and the $600 given to students who attend them, but again, the newspapers may be mis-reporting and the state really wasn't doing that. Bubba says he bet there never was a $12.5 million slush fund for legislators to buy votes.

Senator Bedford, D, Graft, says that he thinks the voters don't object to "pork" and he intends to continue to get as much for his people as he can. Seems fair to me.

Oh, well, back to work. Gotta collect those sales taxes for Senator Bedford or else he may not have enough money to buy his way into office again.

Sunday, September 14, 2003
I think Cletus has given up on his political ambitions. He, Bubba and Elroy have been discussing the recent referendum and Cletus seems to be pretty fed up with the voters and politicians. As you may recall, Cletus has been considering throwing his cap in the ring for the County Commissioners race (if that is not too much of a mixed metaphor) and hasn’t been able to decide if is he is a Republican or Democrat. He now says he has too much self respect to be either which I guess pretty much ends his political career since people round here would think someone running as an independent is either a fool or a communist or probable both.

Cletus said he read in the Huntsville Times’ Coward’s Corner (that’s where people call in and vent their anger against whatever bothers them but where they do not have to identify themselves), anyway, Cletus said one caller had a pretty good idea in suggesting that the 446,000 people who voted yes should each send $1000 to the state and the budget crisis should be solved, Bubba said he thought that Cletus voted yes so was he going to send $1000. Cletus said he was trying to figger out which local politician would end up with his $1000 and he was planning on just giving it to him direct and save the postage and handling.

Elroy said he thought that was a pretty cynical thing to say since Cletus had no proof that any local politician was pocketing taxpayer money. Cletus said that it had to be something or else we wouldn’t be hearing that the legislators would not vote any new taxes since the “people” had spoken. He said that it seemed to him that if a person were in politics to really be a public servant, he or she would do what they thought best for the state and then try to convince the voters that it was the right thing to do. Otherwise, it would seem that the reason they wanted to hold a legislative seat was to get taxpayer money for themselves, their families and their friends. If a person was really interest in true public service then holding on to the office should be secondary to doing what is right.

I tell you, sometimes Cletus amazes me and I get to thinking he is smarter than he appears. I mentioned that to the BBQ Emporium regulars and Bubba pointed out that being smarter than he appears wouldn’t necessarily make him an Einstein.

Cletus said that Bubba might just be surprised at how much like Einstein he really is. Said he had been reading about something called the unified field theory and he had some ideas.

I bet he has some scheme that involves using other people’s fields to his advantage. I think he really should have been a politician.