Compleat Redneck

Commentary from the boondocks. If it makes any sense, it is just by chance.

Friday, November 21, 2003
Here is a good place to learn about Lincoln. Enjoy. It has been seven score years and two days since Lincoln gave the Gettyburg Address.

Caleb Campbell was headed out off his mountain when there was a bright flash of light and he suddenly found himself somewhere else. He was pretty sure it was somewhere else because there wasn’t a mountain and he didn’t see anything familiar. Right away, he figured that something must have happened that had never happened to him before. The mules and Babe, his Redbone, seemed to think something new and exciting had happened because they were running down the wagon trail right fast. It took Caleb a while too get them under control.

He looked around for something to show him where there might be some people. The only thing he could hear or see was what sounded like someone chopping a tree with an ax. Caleb turned the wagon and headed toward the sound. A half-mile or so down the trail, he came up on a tall, gangly boy chopping wood. The boy was about 18 and looked awfully familiar. “Hey, young feller, can you tell me the name of this place?” The young man looked at him as if he thought he had lost his mind. “Well, Mister, this is Indiana.” Caleb thought that over. It appeared that he had been transported to Indiana by something. “Well, I have been traveling out west for sometime and have lost track of time. Could you tell me what year it is?”

“It is 1827.”

That about settled it. Either he was dreaming or he had been transported back in time and moved to Indiana. Good thing he had his wagonload of Moonshine since he doubted that his money was any good here now. “I’m Caleb Campbell.”

“Glad to make your acquaintance, Mr. Campbell. I’m Abe Lincoln.”

Caleb figured it couldn’t be the Abe Lincoln but he could see that it really was and all this time he thought Abe was from Illinois.

“Well, Mr. Lincoln, would you like a drink. I just happen to have a few gallons I’m taking to market.” Caleb made a few gallons a year for himself and selected friends.

“Don’t mind if I do. I have been thinking about getting into the whiskey business myself. This fence rail splitting doesn’t seem to have a real future.”

Caleb thought about that. “Mr. Lincoln, just from my few minutes with you, I think you are better suited as a lawyer and politician.”
“That’s amazing Mr. Campbell. I have thought about that. Been reading what I can about the law and our countries founders. Why it has only been two score and eleven years since they set out to build this great nations and look at us, way out here on the Western frontier.”

Caleb could see that the boy had a future.

“Mr. Narrator, this is pretty farfetched.”

“Well, you are the one who is reading it, not me.”

Caleb thought about what he could tell Lincoln without messing up the future. “Mr. Lincoln, Stay away…

There was a flash of light.

“…from plays”

Caleb was somewhere/when else.

Thursday, November 20, 2003
Elwood suggested that they head over to the BBQ Emporium and get lunch before they got down to finding the missing human. Billy Mac asked what the BBQ Emporium was. Elwood was stunned. “I can’t believe that you don’t keep up with the happenings at the BBQ Emporium. Aren’t you into reading these human’s blogs. Why, the Compleat Redneck is one of the top blogs in all the Blogosphere.”

“Uh, Mr. Narrator, aren’t you exaggerating just a little there?”

“This is my story, I can tell it how I want.”

They put the Flicker 250 in its Earth cammo as a pristine 1982 Ford F250 and dropped on to a trail leading to the highway that ran by the Emporium.

Bill Mac drooled: “I am really looking forward to some good BBQ. One thing I can say about these Southern humans, they definitely are the best cooks in the universe.”

“Uh, Mr. Narrator, aren’t you getting off the story and how about that feller what has been flung somewhere in time. How can Elwood and Billy Mac be wasting time eating BBQ.”

“Son, how dumb can you be? Time spent eating BBQ is never wasted although it may be ‘waisted’. That’s a pun there boy. Anyway, since this is a time travel story, it doesn’t make a lot of difference when Elwood and Billy Mac get around to picking up the traveler. See, they just pick him up at the point he emerges from the time transfer. Didn’t you ever see the Star Trek movie where they messed around in the past getting them whales, but arrived back in the future just as they left or something like that?”

Billy Mac asked Elwood if he thought it was a good idea for them to be sitting around eating BBQ while the human was back in the past messing around. “Didn’t you hear the Narrator’s explanation? You just can’t get good help anymore. I think I’ll bring one of them Beta-Zeds on the next trip.”

Elwood and Billy Mac finished lunch and moseyed on back to the F250 where they found a bunch of fellers admiring it. Elwood resolved to get a different cammo job for his next trip since an F250 was just too attractive.

“Mr. Narrator, it’s getting awfully deep in bovine stuff.”

“Well Elwood, how do we go about finding the human?”

“Elementary, my good man, we just look down the ion trail and see when and where he went. Piece of cake, he seems to be in Indiana around 1827. No hurry, there’s nothing going on there then.”

Wednesday, November 19, 2003
Elbert”, Billy Mac shook his head, “you tertiary lubricant detection system (Dipstick), you done sent that target back in time along with his mules and it looks like at least one Redbone Hound. We are both in a lot of trouble.” He had no so sooner stopped talking when the reflection of the ultra-violet lights of the Game Warden's Pickup appeared on the ion screen. Warden Bbzzxxyzz (Jim Bailey) sauntered forward from the transfer pad. (This story does involve space ships even if they aren’t what you expected and you can’t expect the Warden to just get out and walk up to the door. He transports over. “Boys, y’all in a heap of trouble. Let’s see your huntin’ license and what you done bagged from this moving vehicle and you may as well let me see that infrared spotlight too.” Elbert said that he had no idea what the Warden was talking about since he had done nothing but test his retriever to see that it was in spec and now he had to adjust it since it was way off. Billy Mac kept his mouth shut. Bill Bailey looked around the cab of the F250. Well, boys, the only thing I can write you up for is failure to wear your camouflage. You know better than go around here dressed like that. Elbert was wearing his red flannel shirt and a pair of Sears jeans and Billy Mac had on a pair of overalls. I want to see you boys in a set of those little green guy cammies before I leave here. Elbert hated the little green guy outfits, but unfortunately, that was what the locals expected. Actually, he looked about like any other hunter except for not having a big knife and gun.

“Okay boys, what were you really shooting at?” the Warden asked when they finished changing. Elbert confessed that they had spotted a big old country boy with a couple of mules and that he had missed because his retriever was not zeroed. “Well, watch it, I don’t want to have to run you boys in.” He looked around the F250. “I don’t think this rattletrap is worth the towing fee." After he left, Billy Mac started yelling at Elbert that they better get the target back because no telling what he would do back in the past and if the Warden spotted any temporal anomalies, they were fishbait.

“Mr. Narrator, a question. This is a really strange story. Does this have anything to do with alien abductions?” “No, alien abductions don’t happen. The Alpha-Centauran's hunting program is only catch and release. The idea is to get humans with high mental capacities and then brag about it. The abduction stories come from the ones who get thrown back before being landed because they are too small."

“Mr. Narrator, is this story true?”

"I see that you were an early release."

Tuesday, November 18, 2003
Zxxybxxy, loosely translated Elbert, looked out through the cracked ion shield of his Flicker 250 and thought that he really needed to stop by the used parts yard soon before his F250 fell completely apart. His hunting buddy Xzzybzzx (Billy Mac) was looking out the other side. “There’s a big’un.” Elbert looked where Billy Mac was pointing and sure enough, it was the biggest one he had seen in years. A big biped and two quads. He pointed the Mark X retriever, pulled the trigger and…there was a big flash and the target was gone. “Now you’ve done it” Billy Mac yelled. “You done inter-dimensionally translated it and there goes our chance at the big prize.” I guess I should explain that Elbert and Billy Mac are catch and release hunters from the planet Alpha-Centauri 4 and participating in the annual tournament on Sol 3. Yep, all them UFOs are just a bunch of interstellar rednecks out hunting and fishing.

“How’s that for a start?” Cletus asked. I have to say that the Emporium crowd was surprised to say the least. Elroy allowed as how he always figured that the UFOs were something pretty ordinary and it didn’t surprise him at all. Bubba said Elroy didn’t have the sense God gave a bedbug.

Cletus just grinned.

Monday, November 17, 2003
Elroy is really interested in Cletus' time travel story and has been trying to help him figure out a way to get his traveler back to the past. The denizens laughed so hard at anyone being able to help George Washington (what with GW being a Southerner and all, it is doubtful that he needed help) that Cletus says he doesn't know when or where he'll send his traveler. Elroy says he thinks the traveler should be one of the rocket scientists from Redstone since one of them should know more than most, but Bubba says a traveler in the past would need more practical smarts and he isn't sure that one of the RS's would fill the bill. More helpful would be a jack of all trades who also read a lot.

Cletus said he was almost sorry he had ever said anything about writing the story since he can't come up with any good ideas on how the time travel happens. Elroy suggested that it would be good if the travelor had some modern stuff with him and Bubba suggested a singlewide trailer and the travelor should be single so that he could get right down to business of helping whoever needed it and rescuing damsels without worrying about a wife back home.

Someone said he thought a damsel was some kind of fruit and why would a fruit be needing rescuing. That stopped the discussion for a while as everyone thought about it.

Elroy said he thought a really massive lighting bolt just as a flying saucer went by would probably cause a riff in the space-time continuum (Elroy watches an awful lot of Star Trek) and send the trailer and everything else on the lot back to whenever. Bubba said he remembered a bunch of UFO reports from over at Fiffe several years ago so that would probably work..

Cletus was looking pretty miserable by then and he just up and left in the old F250. Bubba said that he bet a lightning strike on the F250 at speed would transport it back.

Everyone had another round of coffee and a pecan pie.