Compleat Redneck

Commentary from the boondocks. If it makes any sense, it is just by chance.

Tuesday, November 25, 2003
After reading the comments from Nate McCord and Terry Oglesby, Cletus couldn't resist a little teaser before he heads out for the holiday.

Along about midnight, Warden Bailey thought he had it figured out. “Boys, the way I figger it, Elwood didn’t properly align his retriever and it misfired sending that old boy back in time and then again when he burned out transistors in the receiver group trying to get him back now. What you boys really need is a larger caliber since you don’t seem to be able to aim too good. You boys need a shotgun not a rifle.”

Warden Bailey squinted through the scope. "I got that old boy lined up good. Just give me a minute and he’ll be back there on the grid and you can do the mind wipe on him and we’ll throw him back. No sense doing any measurements since you boys done missed the tournament cutoff.”

He squeezed the trigger just as a dark shadow moved across the crosshairs. Suddenly an irate woman appeared on the grid. “Look out” Elwood screamed, “She’s got a shotgun.”

I must digress here. See Cindy Lou Jones was out looking for her husband Bobby and that floozy he has been running around with. She had driven up the trail where our intrepid hunters had set up since that was where she and Bobby had always parked and it would be just like that dirty dog to carry some other woman to a place so dear to her heart so she had come with her twelve gauge just in case she found them. She normally hunted with a 20 gauge but preferred a 12 for close in work such as husband and floozy shooting. She had been minding her own business looking for Bobby’s pickup when she suddenly found herself on what she recognized as a spaceship, what with her being an ardent “National Enquirer” reader she recognized it right away although she had expected something a little less seedy. What she saw was a little green guy (Warden Bailey still had his camouflage outfit on) with a can of Bud and two old redneck boys that looked like someone had run over them with a John Deere bush hog.

Cindy Lou swung her shotgun around toward the little green guy. “Now feller, I’m as ready as the next girl for some Inter-Galactic fun and games, but you can forget about me and either of those two.”

Warden Bailey was frantically signaling for Elwood to hit the stunner, but Elwood was entranced by Cindy Lou and paying no attention. Billy Mac was entranced by the 12 gauge which had swung back toward him and was pointing right at his nose, not that being aimed dead center would make much difference from 10 feet. (Elwood and Billy Mac refused to have anything to do with the metric system since it varied so much what with a meter being one millionth of the distance from the poles to the equator so it depended on what planet you were on. Good old Alpha-Centauri feet and inches was the only way to go.)

Cindy Lou was entrancing what with her long blonde hair (mostly natural, she did believe a girl was entitled to help nature out) and Dolly Parton build (also real as far as you need to know) and her green eyes which were shooting fire.

“Well, it’s a fine fix you got us in now Elwood.”

We are gone until at least next Monday. Y'all have a great Thanksgiving and be safe. If you see flashing lights in the sky, it just might be Elwood, Jim Bailey and Billy Mac. Keep your heads down.

Monday, November 24, 2003
“Mr. Narrator, you can’t really be expecting us to believe that the aliens that are reported by “National Enquirer” are in fact a bunch of Inter-Galactic Rednecks hunting and fishing in our galactic neighborhood.”

“Boy, as I done pointed out once, this is a story, but maybe you should believe it anyway. Now I can see by the look in your eyes that you don’t understand the great contributions made by Rednecks to this great country of ours. Why, most of the great achievements were made by Rednecks, going all the way back to Columbus himself who was actually just out on a fishing trip that got out hand as things are bound to do when you mix a lot of drinking and boats.”

“Then there is Isaac Newton who discovered gravity although it had pretty much always been there. He was out squirrel hunting when a big old walnut fell on his head. The apple story came from some citified editor who couldn’t believe that a bloodthirsty killer of wildlife could come up with any good ideas. Now I realize that Newton wasn’t technically an American, but he always wanted to visit because he had heard of the great hunting and fishing and wanted to see a NASCAR race even though they hadn’t gotten started on those yet, but Newton was a forward thinking kind of feller so it wasn’t any problem for him to come up with NASCAR after inventing gravity.”

“I really shouldn’t have to tell you about George Washington, but that boy set out for the frontier when he was just a tadpole. Huntin and fishin he was, with a bit of surveying to pay the way, and then he tied up with that British General and fought some Indians and Frenchmen and the next thing you know, he was President. You ought to read a little more history, boy.”

“Then you ever hear about old Andy Jackson. Talk about your Rednecks. Now there was a goodun. Killed a man for insulting the Missus.”

“Abe Lincoln. A demon with an ax and he told good stories, too. And he was born in Kentucky.”

“Teddy Roosevelt. The boy was a real Redneck. Started a political party and called it the Bull Moose Party. Could have run as a Republican, but it was the principle of the thing and Rednecks have more “principle” than just about anyone.”

“I could go on and on, but I’m sure that you are starting to catch on. A bit slow there boy, but a couple of cans of Bud and a few days in a deer stand ought to clear up your mind.”

“Elwood fought the line as the big one tried to get away. “Go easy there boy, don’t pull too hard or you are going to lose him. Ease off a bit. Don’t let the line break. You about got him. Just a little more.” There was a pop and the connection broke. “Elwood, you wing nut, you done lost him again. You better get to work figgering out where he went.”

Warden Bailey popped up in on the transfer grid. “I been keeping an eye on you boys and I’m afraid I’m going to have to write you up. Let’s see, there was the BBQ excursion, unauthorized camouflage as a Ford F250, transferring a human back in time, hunting from a vehicle, appearing to the Earth humans in your natural born redneck form and I bet if I look around, I’ll find some beer here in the cab. You boys think you are able to levitate in a straight line?” That’s just a joke among the Inter-galactic boys, they can’t really levitate, it’s more of a wobbly float.

“We ain’t got any beer and I really could use one about now.” Billy Mac looked pretty miserable as he thought about how he was going to explain the big fine to his wife. Elwood looked up from his tackle. “Oh we do have some beer. It’s in that big old Coleman cooler in the bed. Want one Warden?”

“Don’t mind if I do.’ So what you boys actually doing here, buying moonshine, picking up earth women for secret breeding and return so that they can go on TV and tell about their abduction, or just generally causing trouble?”

“Well, you ain’t gonna believe this, but we are just legally hunting, but this dern retriever keeps misfiring and now we seem to have lost the target somewhere/when.” Jim Bailey nodded. “Well, that’s not so bad.” Not much chance of him hurting anything. Probably out in the middle of Tennessee wondering what happened to him.”

Bill Mac looked up from the tachyon tracking module. “Uh, Jim, the last jump, he talked to Abe Lincoln.”

Jim Bailey might near jumped out of his little green guy game warden outfit. “Abe Lincoln, if my boss hears about this, I’ll be working the Jupiter shift again.” We better get on this boys. Hand me a couple of them Buds so I can think straight.”