Compleat Redneck

Commentary from the boondocks. If it makes any sense, it is just by chance.

Friday, December 12, 2003
A little of Rednecks From Space to get you through the weekend.

Cindy Lou flounced across the Flitter F250. From the back, it looked like a couple of possums loose in a tow sack. (A tribute to Terry Oglesby and Mizz Francesca). Where’d you leave it she asked. Soon to be ex-Warden Bailey, who realized that he had to come up with a plan real soon or he would be picking up used anti-matter can along the I-666 (The interstellar highway) instead of enjoying the wealth and prestige that came with being a game warden and having his own patrol saucer to drive home each night. The saucer was a big hit down at the Spaceman’s Bar and Bluegrass and he really hated to think that he might have to give it up.

“Uh, Mister Narrator, do the spacemen listen to Bluegrass? “Of course my boy, the spacemen are all people of character and distinction. Earl Scruggs is the official hero of the galaxy and Bill Monroe is considered to be the greatest musician and composer of all time and place.”

I digress. Cindy Lou demanded that Warden Bailey immediately get them over to where he had parked the official game warden spaceship and furthermore to do it right now. Jim Bailey thought that she was being a bit redundant in her demands and they were making him nervous and it was hard to think when he was nervous and the best he could hope for after this fiasco was a big demotion and a foot patrol on the hot side of Mercury even if he got to keep his job.

Elwood fortunately remembered where the cruiser was parked and in almost no time they were there. Cindy Lou had to scare a couple of small boys away from the cruiser. She took out her book and wrote Warden Bailey up for failure to secure his official spaceship since he had left the back door open and the boys had been playing around and turned off some of the camouflage and the thing that should have looked like a Ford F150, four door pickup, looked like a slightly melted Chevy 1500 with a bad paint job, but I indulge in redundancy. As they were getting in the official cruiser, the boys stood at a distance and yelled at Jim Bailey about the custom upholstery wanting to know where he got the nice red velvet (the cammo program was a bit off and the upholstery did look like it was stolen from some disreputable establishment) until Cindy Lou pointer her shotgun at them and they ran off.

How’s that for a sentence?

Cindy Lou ordered Warden Bailey to get on his scope and find Caleb and do it right now. Elwood and Billy Mac tried to sneak away while her back was turned, but she caught them before they could clear the hatch and made them go sit in the corner which was what she called the little cage in the back. Elwood complained that you would think that real spacemen would have better jail accommodations than the TV guys who had force fields to hold the prisoners. Cindy Lou told him to shut up and put on the cat camouflage suit. After they had the suits on, she locked them in the cat carrier and threw I a couple of kitty treats.

She looked at Warden Bailey. “Now get to work or I’ll throw you in there dressed in mouse camouflage.”

Elwood looked at Billy Mac who was dressed as a Persian and who was diligently washing behind his ear. “Cut that out, you idiot, we have got to come up with a plan to get away from this crazy woman before she decides to shoot us.”

“You ought to try this washing stuff. It ain’t half bad.”

Elwood raked him across the nose with his claws and the catfight was on. Cindy Lou grabbed the cage and the door flew open. Elwood and Billy Mac dived out of the cruiser and ran into the woods.

“Well we got away from her” said Billy Mac. “Elwood was fumbling with the cammy release button. “Dern, she locked this thing. Do you think we can pick the lock?”

As Billy Mac was reaching toward Elwood’s lock, they heard a young boy say: “Hey, look, a couple of cats. You still got those tin cans? We can tie them to their tails and watch them run.”

Cletus and Elroy have been having a big argument about Cletus Rednecks From Space sage. It started during the time when our computer was broken and Cletus was griping about not being able to complete his story. Elroy said he thought he knew Cindy Lou; that there was a woman named Cindy Lou who came into the Electric Coop to pay her bill who always looked like she was carrying a gun if you just looked at her out of the corner of your eye. Cletus said he figured that was Cindy Lou Smith since she did carry a gun in her bag and she certainly like she would carry a gun.

Elroy replied that he was sure that parts of Cletus’ story were true since Cletus wasn’t creative enough to make it all up.

Cletus said that anyone who reads the supermarket tabloids is not qualified to comment on the creativeness of a true storyteller. The fight has been going back and forth for the last two days and Cletus hasn’t gotten any more storytelling done. Some of the regulars are beginning to complain because that they are starting to worry about old Caleb lost back there in the past and apparently abandoned to his fate by the spacemen. Cletus says we need to improve the quality if our clientele since the current group seems to think that there really are little green men from space running around kidnapping people.

Winter has arrived here with a bit of chilly rain and temperatures in the twenties. If those little green men don’t get on with whatever they are doing, they are going to freeze their little appendages off.

Elroy just announced that he noticed a couple of strangers in here the other day and that they were driving an F250 that was in remarkable condition when compared to others that he knew. Cletus asked if they were green.

It looks like another good day ahead.

Monday, December 08, 2003
“Mr. Narrator, there seems to be a number of inconsistencies in your story. For instance, way back up there when you introduced, Mizz Cindy Lou, she was hunting for an errant husband and now you say she is an interplanetary policeman. Which is it?”

Boy, you are really beginning to get on my nerves. As I have already told you, this is a story and although it is in prose, I think I am still allowed poetic license, but if you really need to know, Cindy Lou was working under cover (There’s a bit of a pun there in case you missed it).

Now on to today’s exciting episode of Rednecks From Space or whatever I have been calling this thing.

Cindy Lou looked around the F250. “Is there any chance that you boys included anything useful when you were souping up this thing, say a temporal target indicator?”

(Have you noticed that all my lady characters are much more erudite than my men?)

Elwood looked down at his shoes (size 12 brogans). Billy Mac suddenly developed an interest in space flitter ceiling paints. “I had nothing to do with this” said Warden Bailey who was beginning to see a very unpleasant assignment coming his way after this fiasco.

“Well, we can get around to that after I shoot that two-timing husband of mine.” “ Do you think that is proper protocol considering you are supposed to be an undercover policeman?” asked Warden Bailey. “Maybe not, but it seems to be the right thing to do if I am to stay in character and besides, he really deserves it. You just tell me that there can be any woman better than me.” The fellers had to admit she had a point there and besides, they could see a possible way out of their own bind if Cindy Lou plugged an Earthling.

“Where do you think we can find the varmint?” asked Elwood. Billy Mac stopped looking at the ceiling paint. “Now folks, I think it is a Class 1 misdemeanor to shoot an Earthling even if he has stepped out on you.” “Oh, he ain’t an Earthling, he is from Beta Zed and if he was any good, he could have seen this coming. Any Beta Zed worth the name can read minds and the better ones can predict the future. The way I see it, he is fair game.” The boys could see her point. Real Beta Zeds were never anything like Counselor Troi and there was no penalty for shooting one. Sort of like there should be no penalty for shooting someone who cannot properly conjugate “y’all”.

“Uh, Mr. Narrator, I don’t think that “y’all” is a verb.”

Shoot that boy. He is really getting on my nerves now.

?h, Mizz Cindy Lou, don’t you think we should get on with finding the person we sent back to the past and save the shooting for later?”

“I guess you are right. Now how do you expect us to do it since you boys seem to have spent all your money on pretty “accessories” rather than useful stuff? Do you have any thing that didn’t come from a hot rod shop?”

Elwood and Billy Mac went back to their shoe and ceiling gazing. Jim Bailey said “ Well, there is my cruiser. I guess we could use it.”

Cindy Lou looked at him like he was her errant husband. “Did you have to take any kind of test to become a game warden or did you inherit the job from your backward daddy?”

Sunday, December 07, 2003
I owe both my dedicated readers an apology for failing to post more of the Rednecks From Space story but Billy Joe Bob broke the dern computer and just now got it fixed. I’m sure that he will try to blame it on me, but you can be sure that I had nothing to do with it so don’t believe him.

Anyway, back to Rednecks From Space.

Warden Bailey could see that he had quite a problem on his hands. The prime directive stated that no earth human was to ever be released wfith their memories in tack and due to the complete incompetence of Elbert and Billy Mac, it seemed that was about to happen. There was also the minor detail of an angry woman with a shotgun pointed at him demanding to be released right now. He could see twenty cycles of Jupiter duty and Jupiter cycle was a bunch. He couldn’t remember just how much of a bunch it was but certainly didn’t look forward to it.

Elbert was trying to find something to hide behind because he was pretty sure that it a shotgun wasn’t a catch and release hunting implement. Billy Mac was admiring Cindy Lou now that the shotgun was pointed elsewhere. “Ma’am, would you like to look over the spaceship before you leave?” “Don’t mind if I do, but don’t you go trying anything cause I know how to use this thing and I have six shells since I don’t believe in plugs. You there, former little green guy, go on ahead. I don’t want you messing with anything and you look to be the smartest one out of this bunch. Somehow I thought that space aliens would be more like Mr. Spock.”

Jim Bailey thought that maybe he had a chance to get out of his predicament. If he could only get Elwood to attract her attention , he could get out his portable stunner and solve except the whole problem except for the minor detail of the missing Moonshiner. “Ma’am, if you will come this way, I will show you how this thing works.” Cindy Lou followed him toward the back of the F250 as he signaled to Elwood to distract her attention. Elwood was having nothing to do with it since he was real happy to have the shotgun pointed at someone other than him. Billy Mac was ignoring the whole thing thinking that there was a good chance that Cindy Lou would solve his and Elwood’s problem by shooting the Warden.

Jim Bailey led Cindy Lou toward down to the engine room where Elwood had installed a chromium plated hyper-drive unit from the shop of Wholeman and Muedie from the planet Nascarion. “I can see you spaced boys are a lot like the locals; real hung up on chrome. Do you really think it will make this thing go any faster?” Elwood pointed out that it attracted women. “So where are they?”

“Danged women” Elwood thought, “They seemed to be the same everywhere.”

After Cindy Lou had seen the whole ship with Jim Bailey never getting a chance to use his stunner, he again suggested that he could send Cindy Lou back to her home with no harm done.

Cindy Lou reached in her bag and pulled out a badge. “Officer Cindy Lou Harris, Alpha-Centauri Department for the Prevention of Time Anomalies and General Stupidities and got you boys on a 1017, excessive stupidity.”

“Mr. Narrator, it is beginning to look like all your characters are actually space aliens. How can that be?”

“You ever see Michael Jackson, Boy? How can you ask that question?”