Compleat Redneck

Commentary from the boondocks. If it makes any sense, it is just by chance.

Wednesday, March 17, 2004
I seem to remember when we last left Elwood and Billy Jack, the Rednecks From Space, that they were stuck in a tree or something like that. Well they got down and were mighty hungry and thirsty and so decided to drive the old F250 space ship down to the local BBQ place and have them some BBQ and a couple big glasses of sweet tea. They would have had a Bud or two, but this is a family blog and we don’t allow drinking here except for a an occasional sip of white lightning for medicinal purposes.

Anyway, Elwood and Billy Jack ended up in the very BBQ Emporium where I am telling this story. They fit right in what with being dressed in hunting clothes and John Deere caps and driving an F250 to boot. Things started to go bad because that F250 was the spitting image of my very own F250 both being pristine 1980 models with custom built flatbeds. Of course, theirs was the result of the special camouflage hardware ion the space ship, but I like to think that they picked my F250 as the model for theirs. Well, they were just getting into one of Billy Joe Bob’s large BBQ plates with the coleslaw and baked potato and a side of hushpuppies when my buddy Freddie got in their F250 and drove away. Freddie didn’t actually steal their truck. See, he had come by to borrow mine and since they looked the same and Elwood and Billy Jack had parked in my usual spot, it was just natural for Freddie to think he was borrowing my truck. Now, he hadn’t actually talked to me about borrowing the F250, but since the keys were in it and I didn’t seem to be using it at the time, he took it to do what he needed. All I ever ask is that he bring it back with a full tank. With gas the price it is these days, I can’t go providing the truck and the gas for every Tom, Bubba and Freddie who comes along.

There was quite a commotion when Elwood and Billy Jack tried to find their F250. Them boys was fit to be tied. Billy Jack was almost in tears and was yelling at Elwood that he had now got them stuck here forever and if they were not stuck here, then they would be in some really bad jail for a long time since it was jut about the worst crime to let advanced technology fall into the hands of a backward society. Now, I think that the 1980 Ford F250 is about the best truck ever built, but I have never thought that the technology was that advanced. In fact, one of the main reasons that I drive one is that I can work on the ting with a screwdriver and a pair of Visegrips. I told them so and Elwood said they were talking about losing their spaceship not the F250 that I thought they had lost. He said I looked like an intelligent fellow (take that Bubba) and could he confide in me. Well, what can you say to a feller who is that smart. Anyway, by that time I had noticed that Freddie’s 1984 Omni was sitting in the parking lot and told the boys I figgered their truck would be back in a couple of hours and why didn’t we go in and have some pecan pie and talk things over. They thought that was a good idea. While we were eating our pie, my sometime lady friend, Mary Ruth, came in. She has gone back to her job at the local paper but is still looking for her big break and has taken to sending articles to the “National Enquirer”. You may have seen some of her work although she never gets the by-line and the stories always end up being placed in England or Australia instead of right her in North Alabama. MR says she thinks that is because we aren’t strange enough for people to believe we have possums who write stories on the internet.

When I introduced MR to the Elwood and Billy Jack, nothing would do but for her to interview them. Billy Jack said he thought that was a really bad idea, but Elwood said he had already appeared in several supermarket tabloids and one more wouldn’t hurt anything. MR got out her pad.

“S, Mr. Elwood, where do you come from?”


“Cleveland? I thought you were from outer space.”

“Oh, we are, but the commute was killing us so we moved to Cleveland.”

“Why Ohio?”

“Not Ohio, Tennessee and we moved here because of the weather and the hunting. My kids just love their school. Elwood Junior is trying out for football this fall and I think the boy has a chance to play at Alabama although his Mama wants him to go to Auburn and get an education and besides, she thinks orange and blue suit his complexion better. We are thinking about moving down to Alabama. I would like to be one of them rocket scientist Billy Joe Bob writes about.”

“You read Billy Joe Bob’s Blog?”

“Every day that the lazy bum bothers to write!”

(So how many Bloggers have people from outer space reading their drivel? Billy Joe Bob)

“Who are your favorite Bloggers?”

“Well, I am real partial to Possumblog and Frank J.”
“Back to your being a rocket scientist, isn’t your space ship pretty advanced so aren’t you already a rocket scientist?”

“Nope, I don’t have a clue how that thing works. I just put anti-matter in the tank and change the di-lithium every three thousand light years. They say you can go 7500 on the new stuff, but my Daddy always told if you want it to last boy, 3000 is the key and I have found that he was right.”

To be Continued.

Monday, March 15, 2004
Blogger just ate Cletus' space aliens story so he is back painfully tying it one finger at a time. I estimate next Tuesday at his current blazing speed. I told him to type it somewhere else other than Blogger, but nooo, he didn't listen. He says it involves stolen F250s, Cleveland and BBQ. Should be good.