Compleat Redneck

Commentary from the boondocks. If it makes any sense, it is just by chance.

Friday, March 26, 2004
Cletus is following the 9/11 Commission story real close. He says that he thinks this may be his guy John Edwards' chance to get back in the race. Elroy pointed out that Kerry has enough delegates to get the nomination and he figgers the race is pretty much over unless Kerry throws a tire on the last few laps. Cletus said that Elroy was mixing his political metaphors because it was Dean who was after the NASCAR crowd. Elroy said he thought Dean was after the Rebel Flag crowd which set Tom the Civil War enthusiast off on a tirade about it not being the Rebel Flag but a Battle Flag. I just hate it when they get him going. The next thing is always a long talk on how if only so and so had done such and such, the South would have won the war and we would all be living in Tara or some such.

Anyway, Cletus says he thinks his man Edwards has an excellent chance at being the VP nominee if he only plays his cards right. Of course, Bubba had to ask what cards Edwards has to play. Cletus' response was that he expected such narrow vision from a man who was probably a Republican anyway what with his bad attitude about naturally grown pork. Bubba said he didn't have anything against naturally grown pork, his problem was with the herd of pigs that is tearing up his fences and eating his cow feed. Cletus changed the subject back to politics.

He said that he thought Kerry needed a Southerner to offset his Yankeeness and that Edwards was from both North and South Carolina and therefore would help with both regions of the country. Cletus is what you might call geography impaired. He thinks South Dakota is a Southern state. Way back in grammar school (where we learned all we know about writing good) our teachers tried to get Cletus to learn where the states were, but he insisted his system worked perfectly well as far as what he needed to know. It was only later that it became apparent that Cletus didn't need to know much. Bubba says having solid opinions is much easier if you don't have facts to contend with.

Cletus has been reading Frank J. and he says that Frank has the right ideas about life and how the country should run. Bubba went over to the computer and called up IMAO. After a few minutes, he came back and told Cletus that Frank J. appeared to be a Republican leaning sort of feller and that he didn't seem the type to be an Edwards supporter.

Cletus was getting more upset by the minute. He said that he read Frank J. for the humor and that he didn't say he agreed with his opinions. Elroy said that it seemed to him that Cletus had said that Frank J. had the right ideas on how to run the country. Cletus said he was feeling weak and needed to get his sugar level up before he could talk about it anymore. He ate two pieces of pecan pie and announced that he had to go meet Mary Ruth since he was going to be helping her tear out some carpet and flooring so she could get her new hardwood floor installed next week.

Maybe he will have a good story on Monday about his adventures in carpentry although I suspect I will have to type it out because he is bound to hammer a few fingers over the weekend.

As Cletus was leaving, Elroy hollered out that maybe he could get Elwood and Billy Jack the Rednecks From Space to help him with the floor and MR could finish her interview while they work. Even with their help, I suspect that no more than about three yards of carpet will get removed at the rate Celtus works.

Thursday, March 25, 2004
Cletus is not doing real good at writing his latest tale. Elroy says that maybe he should just admit that he doesn't have any idea how to finish the story so he should just give up. Bubba says Elroy is wrong because in his whole life, Cletus has never been at a loss for words.

I think Cletus is enjoying the weather too much. Since he retired, he spends a lot more time outside than he did when he was in the woodcutting business. He says that he is tending to his free-range pork and that requires a lot of time. I think I agree with Elroy that Cletus is just avoiding trying to get on with the space fellers story.

Elroy asked Freddie if he remembered "borrowing" the F250 space ship and he said he did borrow Cletus' F250, but it was just as much a wreck as usual and he doubted it was a space ship. Cletus says that since no one has ever accused Freddie of being a rocket scientist, he is not qualified to judge the space worthiness of anything. I guess he has a point there. Old Freddie definitely isn't likely to be mistaken for an Einstein or even a real smart bierstein.

I told Cletus that he needed to get on with his story or else I would have to go back to telling stories about him and there are a lot of those. He says he will try.

Tuesday, March 23, 2004
Cletus is sticking to his story that the space fellers were actually in the BBQ Emporium and that he and MR interviewed them. He says that for a day or two Freddie drove around in their sapce ship thinking it was the same old F250 he usually borrows from Cletus without asking. Cletus fairly hates Freddie's Omni since it is not quite large enough all of him to fit in. Seems the seat won't go back far enough and he is squeezed in a vital region especally right after breakfast, dinner or supper which for Cletus are really one long meal so the Omni never really fits. He is working on the rest of the interview and says he will have it ready by the end of the week. Right!