Compleat Redneck

Commentary from the boondocks. If it makes any sense, it is just by chance.

Thursday, April 29, 2004
Cletus has been right upset at his hero over the Thursday Three but this week he thinks Mr. Possum hit a homerun. Cletus says it is obvious to anyone that the most representative book or movie set in the South is "Fried Green Tomatos" although he has to admit he never saw the movie and can't rightly remember if he read the book, but from what it has heard, it really captures the essense of the South and it had a BBQ joint on top of all that. Bubba pointed out that there is a real good chance that the women in the book killed and barbequed one of their husbands or some other man if he remembers the story correctly. Cletus said that was pretty true to the South in that a true Southerner is willing to try new things on the old BBQ pit, but that they always came back to pig. That set off a discussion of what is BBQ and what isn't and it would still be going on if Bubba hadn't pointed out that he thinks the BBQ issue was settled months ago in a poll run by Mr. Possum or someone and the answer is pig so the women in "Friend Green Tomatos" couldn't have barbequed the feller. Grilled him to a nice turn maybe, but not barbequed.

Cletus said he thought the worst portrayal was "Crazy in Alabama" although he again admitted that he had neither read the book nor seen the movie, but no good Southern woman was going to cut off her husband's head and carry it around in a hatbox and talk to it as if the man was still alive. Elroy said Cletus sure knew a lot about the books for someone who never read them. Cletus said that "one need not be a total cretin and un-informed just because you don't have the time to read every good book that comes out". Bubba said he didn't find the story about the hatbox all that strange since he had heard about people right around here who had done some pretty strange things and they didn't have the excuse of being completely nuts like the woman in "Crazy in Alabama". Cletus said he didn't think she was really crazy-just a little touched. Cletus said he didn't think it was very representative of the South and he was sticking to his choices.

Cletus wrote a beginning to the novel he would write if he ever got around to writing a novel:

"It was a hot and muggy night. The mosquitoes were swarming like hogs to the trough. Suddenly the night air was pierced by the scream of a 427 Ford side-oiler at 7000 rpm as the shine runner made his way down from the still and on to the road headed to Atlanta....." "Wait a minute" said Bubba. "I don't think a 427 "screams". It rumbles real loud, but it doesn't "scream"."

Well, this certainly went down hill fast.

Monday, April 26, 2004
Cletus has been following the John Kerry medals over the fence story and he says he is real confused. He says there are film clips of Kerry throwing something over the fence and other clips of him saying he threw his medals and now he says he didn't throw his medals, they were someone elses. Cletus says that he is not qualified to comment on anyone with medals since he was a truck driver in Alaska during his Army time which came about because of an unfortunate legal problem not because he was a brave and patriotic young man who joined to fight for his country. Elroy says he could comment but won't since he joined the National Guard and didn't leave Alabama during the Vietnam War except for basic training up in South Carolina which he found to be a lot like Alabama. Bubba said he guessed he is qualified to talk about Senator Kerry's medals, but he was only an enlisted soldier during Vietnam and didn't get anything except that one little old Purple Heart and if it had been left up to him, he wouldn't have gotten that either. See Bubba got in front of a bullet and it made one of them "flesh wounds" you here about in the cowboy movies or was that Rocky and Bullwinkle? At our age, it is getting hard to remember just where we heard a lot of the stuff we think we remember. BUbba says he isn't really interested in the medals, but he is just enough a throwback that he does care a little about waht appears to be less than truthful comments by Senator Kerry although he will grant him the courtesy of thinking his memory may be as bad as ours are.

Cletus was going to do Mr. Possum's Thursday Three last week, but he could think of any place he wanted to live other than where he does now and he wasn't about to badmouth any place in the South. I think Cletus is just having a bad case of writer's block since he hasn't written a thing in weeks now and I figure he has lost all two of his fans. Elroy says he has lost him for sure since he never believed Cletus' stories anyway. I don't think Elroy has ever quite grasped the concept of "fiction". Bubba says we need to be sure to not leave any of those weekly tabloids laying around since Elroy is sure to believe them.

Cletus promises to try to do better and get back to his stories.