Compleat Redneck

Commentary from the boondocks. If it makes any sense, it is just by chance.

Thursday, October 21, 2004
We here at the old BBQ Emporium are a bit concerned about one of the rocket scientists. He came in for his sausage biscuit this morning and is plainly down in the dumps. Seems he and his wife are building a new house over in one of the fancier subdivisions. It was already way more than he wanted to spend. He says that there are a lot of nice boats going to go unsold cause he is going to be making a real big house payment. Seems that yesterday, his wife went by to check the progress of their house and found the builders just completing the decking on the roof. She didn't like how the roof looked and told them to take it off and replace it with one from another plan she had seen. The builder was happy to oblige and now the house price has gone up $40,000. Amazing how fast they can tear a roof off! Rocket Scientist says he could get the money by killing his wife and collecting on her life insurance, but then he would be in jail and wouldn't need the house. He says that he guesses he'll just have to keep going fishing with his buddies and using their boats.

We just posted this so that you could see that we don't make this stuff up. Okay, some of Cletus' stuff may be made up, but you have to admit no one could come up with the roof story if it weren't true.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004
Cletus and Mary Ruth went up to Bell Buckle, Tennessee on Saturday. It seems they have a big crafts fair up there and MR figured that Cletus might find something to improve the looks of his humble abode or at least find a good Christmas gift for her. Cletus says it was like a mob scene from one of those disaster movies except no one was running around trampling people save for a few really badly behaved younguns. He almost got off on one of his rants about what poor parents people are today, but Bubba stopped him with a reminder that Cletus had not been a paragon of good behavior as a child.

It is a little hard to picture Cletus as a child since he has always been a bit large for his age although I am not sure just how large you would expect a 50 something man to be. Bubba said he has heard that some animals keep growing as long as they live and that it is possible that Cletus has an errant gene from one of those. He says he seems to remember their Mama saying that she was frightened by a really big lizard just before Cletus was born.

Cletus changed the subject by saying that he was right pleased by how his man John Edwards is looking for the up-coming election and just wanted to point out that he was an Edwards man way back in 2003 and not a Johnny Come Lately like a lot of the local Democrats he sees with signs in their yards. Elroy, who has returned from his adventures down South helping with the hurricane damage, says he seems to remember that Cletus thought it was that psychic guy on the TV who was running for President. Cletus said Elroy needed to back up his allegations with proof and until he did, Elroy was just a dirty, rotten liar. Elroy asked me to change the password on the Compleat Redneck blog so Cletus couldn't get to it and change his words from last year.

Bubba suggested that Elroy just type up what he thinks Cletus said and present it as evidence. Elroy says he thinks CBS done gone and ruined that one for all honest debaters. One of the rocket scientists said he thinks we are a few weeks late on that comment which got everyone started on an indepth discussion of the Theory of Relativity (the one that Einstein developed, not the one about redneck families) and we had a graet discussion. Cletus said that he was right pleased when that Feyerdal feller, or whatever his name is, admitted that he was wrong about blackholes because he, Cletus, had always felt there was something missing in the feller's suppositions. Bubba said that if Cletus wasn't even sure of the man's name, he shouldn't be trying to pick apart his papers.

One of the rocket scientists said he was real concerned about his social security if Bush is re-elected since Kerry says Bush is going to take old people's SS and give it to rich people. His carpool buddy pointed out that they were civil servants and couldn't draw SS anyway and the way he saw it, they were also among the rich as defined by the good Senator. Cletus said that as a small business owner, he was concerned about the impact on his business of Kerry's proposal to raise the tax rates. Bubba said that since Cletus had never earned $200,000 in a decade, he was probably safe.

Elroy said that if Compleat Redneck is going to be political, we need to be consistent or else people will start to think we are Democrats.

Bubba says that anyone reading these ramblings through complete drivel would probably just think we are idiots.

Hey, that would be a grat name for a blog, "Compleat Idiot"!

Monday, October 18, 2004
Cletus is a little upset. It seems we were mentioned in a real newspaper (The Birmingham News) and it wasn't what he considers one of our better posts. He says he can't understand why it couldn't have been when he posted one of his really topnotch stories or a good tale about Bubba's failings or even one of his political expositions which I figure is a fancy way of saying "rants". Bubba pointed out that at least we were mentioned, but Cletus still isn't real happy.

I told him he would just have to come up with more stories and try to get some of our readers back. Since that involves work, I don't suppose it will happen.