Compleat Redneck

Commentary from the boondocks. If it makes any sense, it is just by chance.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Bubba told Cletus that since he had gone and republished the Rednecks From Space saga, he was now obligated to tell some more of the story seeing as he had kind of left a lot of characters hanging so to speak. Elwood and Billy Mac are stuck with a broken space ship four light years from home, Game Warden Bailey is being held by Intergalactic Policewoman Cindy Lou on whatever charge she can think of. Caleb McCord is lost sometime and as far as we can see, Cletus doesn’t have a clue what to do with any of the problems since he hasn’t come up with a new episode in over a year.

Cletus said he had been thinking about it and in fact, he saw Elwood down at the wrecking yard just last week buying some parts to fix the spaceship. He said he had to confess that he made a bad mistake back in the last episode when he alluded to Smoky Yunick and the flat crank since everyone knows that Smoky was a Chevy guy and it is highly unlikely that he ever ground a crank for a Ford. Elroy said he once saw a flathead Ford with a 180 degree crankshaft and it was a wonder to hear. Bubba told Elroy to quit giving Cletus excuses for delaying the next episode. Cletus started in on his tale although I personally think it is pretty weak.

Elwood in his best Scotty outfit was tinkering with the anti-matter injectors while Billy Mac yelled at him to hurry up. “I’m an engineer not a miracle worker” Elwood yelled back. “Well how long do you think this will take?” Billy Mac screamed. All the yelling and screaming was because Billy Mac had put on his favorite George Jones 8-Track and old George was singing about being done wrong and the guitar was twanging at about 170 Db.

“Mr. Narrator, do you mean to say they have an 8-track in an advanced spaceship?”

“Haven’t you learned anything boy, the Flitter 250 is not advanced.” In spaceship terms, it is about Model T and Billy Mac was lucky to get the wiring to carry the 8-track without burning the whole thing down.”

“So how long is this going to take?” asked Billy Mac.

“Oh a few weeks for the batteries to recharge, but we can drive around in the Ford F-250 cammo as much as we want.”

“Well, why don’t we just drive up to Nashville and catch a few George concerts?”

“Good idea, but shouldn’t we try to find that old boy we sent back into the past?”

So the boys set out to try to calibrate their equipment.

Meanwhile Caleb found himself—well to himself he had never been lost, but this hopping around through time was beginning to get on his nerves. That set him to wondering about all the women who used to take “medicine” for their nerves. His Aunt Rose had nerves and the Doc gave her some pills that certainly calmed her nerves---

“Uh, Mr. Narrator, you seem to drifting off the subject again.”

Well, okay, if you aren't interested in deep intellectual discussion, we’ll get back to the silly story.

Caleb didn’t know where/when he was but he was a bit nervous about meeting any more future Presidents. No telling what damage he might do. I think we’ll just leave him where/whenever he is and get on over to Cindy Lou and Jim Bailey.

“Bailey, you in a heap of trouble now. I don’t think you have a chance at the hot side of Mercury after this fine mess.”

Jim just grinned. “Well, the way I see it, I got me a case against you for unlawful detention since there doesn’t seem to be any evidence of wrong doing since you let those boys escape.”

“Well, then why don’t we just go and get us some BBQ and talk about what we need to do?”

So off they went and I have it on good word that that they came right here to the old BBQ Emporium and had themselves large pork plates and sweet tea.

Elroy said he thought today’s story was pretty weak, that maybe Cletus was starting to slip a bit in the head department. Cletus said that Elroy would recognize a good story if’n it walked up and bit him. Old Roy, the feller that has about six things killing him said that he once got bit by a Great Dane and he reckoned he recognized it right off. That started along discussion about all the things the boys had been bitten by with Cletus topping everyone with his tale about getting bit by an alligator.

I didn’t believe any of them.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005
For all y'all who weren't reading this drivel back when Cletus was telling his "Rednecks From Space" story, here it is in its entirety. My apologies.

Zxxybxxy, loosely translated Elbert, looked out through the cracked ion shield of his Flicker 250 and thought that he really needed to stop by the used parts yard soon before his F250 fell completely apart. His hunting buddy Xzzybzzx (Billy Mac) was looking out the other side. “There’s a big’un.” Elbert looked where Billy Mac was pointing and sure enough, it was the biggest one he had seen in years. A big biped and two quads. He pointed the Mark X retriever, pulled the trigger and…there was a big flash and the target was gone. “Now you’ve done it” Billy Mac yelled. “You done inter-dimensionally translated it and there goes our chance at the big prize.” I guess I should explain that Elbert and Billy Mac are catch and release hunters from the planet Alpha-Centauri 4 and participating in the annual tournament on Sol 3. Yep, all them UFOs are just a bunch of interstellar rednecks out hunting and fishing.

“How’s that for a start?” Cletus asked. I have to say that the Emporium crowd was surprised to say the least. Elroy allowed as how he always figured that the UFOs were something pretty ordinary and it didn’t surprise him at all. Bubba said Elroy didn’t have the sense God gave a bedbug.

Cletus just grinned.

“Elbert”, Billy Mac shook his head, “you tertiary lubricant detection system (Dipstick), you done sent that target back in time along with his mules and it looks like at least one Bluetick Hound. We are both in a lot of trouble.” He had no so sooner stopped talking when the reflection of the ultra-violet lights of the Game Wardens Pickup appeared on the ion screen. Warden Bbzzxxyzz (Jim Bailey) sauntered forward from the transfer pad. (This story does involve space ships even if they aren’t what you expected and you can’t expect the Warden to just get out and walk up the door. He transports over. “Boys, y’all in a heap of trouble. Let’s see your huntin’ license and what you done bagged from this moving vehicle and you may as well let me see that infrared spotlight too.” Elbert said that he had no idea what the Warden was talking about since he had done nothing but test his retriever to see that it was in spec and now he had to adjust it since it was way off. Billy Mac kept his mouth shut. Bill Bailey looked around the cab of the F250. Well, boys, the only thing I can write you up for is failure to wear your camouflage. You know better than go around here dressed like that. Elbert was wearing his red flannel shirt and a pair of Sears jeans and Billy Mac had on a pair of overall. I want to see you boys in a set of those little green guy cammies before I leave here. Elbert hated the little green guy outfits, but unfortunately, that was what the locals expected. Actually, he looked about like any other hunter except for not having a big knife and gun.

“Okay boys, what were you really shooting at?” the Warden asked when they finished changing. Elbert confessed that they had spotted a big old country boy with a couple of mules and that he had missed because his retriever was not zeroed. “Well, watch it, I don’t want to have to run you boys in.” He looked around the F250. “I don’t think this rattletrap is worth the towing fee.’ After he left, Billy Mac started yelling at Elbert that they better get the target back because no telling what he would do back in the past and if the Warden spotted any temporal anomalies, they were fishbait.

“Mr. Narrator, a question. This is a really strange story. Does this have anything to do with alien abductions?” “No, alien abductions don’t happen. The Alpha-Centaurans hunting program is only catch and release. The idea is to get humans with high mental capacities and then brag about it. The abduction stories come from the ones who get thrown back before being landed because they are too small.

“Mr. Narrator, is this story true?”

I see that you were an early release.

Elwood suggested that they head over to the BBQ Emporium and get lunch before they got down to finding the missing human. Billy Mac asked what the BBQ Emporium was. Elwood was stunned. “I can’t believe that you don’t keep up with the happenings at the BBQ Emporium. Aren’t you into reading these human’s blogs. Why, the Compleat Redneck is one of the top blogs in all the Blogosphere.”

“Uh, Mr. Narrator, aren’t you exaggerating just a little there?”

“This is my story, I can tell it how I want.”

They put the Flicker 250 in its Earth cammo as a pristine 1982 Ford F250 and dropped on to a trail leading to the highway that ran by the Emporium.

Bill Mac drooled: “I am really looking forward to some good BBQ. One thing I can say about these Southern humans, they definitely are the best cooks in the universe.”

“Uh, Mr. Narrator, aren’t you getting off the story and how about that feller what has been flung somewhere in time. How can Elwood and Billy Mac be wasting time eating BBQ.”

“Son, how dumb can you be? Time spent eating BBQ is never wasted although it may be ‘waisted’. That’s a pun there boy. Anyway, since this is a time travel story, it doesn’t make a lot of difference when Elwood and Billy Mac get around to picking up the traveler. See, they just pick him up at the point he emerges from the time transfer. Didn’t you ever see the Star Trek movie where they messed around in the past getting them whales, but arrived back in the future just as they left or something like that?”

Billy Mac asked Elwood if he thought it was a good idea for them to be sitting around eating BBQ while the human was back in the past messing around. “Didn’t you hear the Narrator’s explanation? You just can’t get good help anymore. I think I’ll bring one of them Beta-Zeds on the next trip.”

Elwood and Billy Mac finished lunch and moseyed on back to the F250 where they found a bunch of fellers admiring it. Elwood resolved to get a different cammo job for his next trip since an F250 was just too attractive.

“Mr. Narrator, it’s getting awfully deep in bovine stuff.”

“Well Elwood, how do we go about finding the human?”

“Elementary, my good man, we just look down the ion trail and see when and where he went. Piece of cake, he seems to be in Indiana around 1827. No hurry, there’s nothing going on there then.”

Caleb McCord was headed out off his mountain when there was a bright flash of light and he suddenly found himself somewhere else. He was pretty sure it was somewhere else because there wasn’t a mountain and he didn’t see anything familiar. Right away, he figured that something must have happened that had never happened to him before. The mules and Babe, his Bluetick, seemed to think something new and exciting had happened because they were running down the wagon trail right fast. It took Caleb a while too get them under control.

He looked around for something to show him where there might be some people. The only thing he could hear or see was what sounded like someone chopping a tree with an ax. Caleb turned the wagon and headed toward the sound. A half-mile or so down the trail, he came up on a tall, gangly boy chopping wood. The boy was about 18 and looked awfully familiar. “Hey, young feller, can you tell me the name of this place?” The young man looked at him as if he thought he had lost his mind. “Well, Mister, this is Indiana.” Caleb thought that over. It appeared that he had been transported to Indiana by something. “Well, I have been traveling out west for sometime and have lost track of time. Could you tell me what year it is?”

“It is 1827.”

That about settled it. Either he was dreaming or he had been transported back in time and moved to Indiana. Good thing he had his wagonload of Moonshine since he doubted that his money was any good here now. “I’m Caleb McCord.”

“Glad to make your acquaintance, Mr. McCord. I’m Abe Lincoln.”

Caleb figured it couldn’t be the Abe Lincoln but he could see that it really was and all this time he thought Abe was from Illinois.

“Well, Mr. Lincoln, would you like a drink. I just happen to have a few gallons I’m taking to market.” Caleb made a few gallons a year for himself and selected friends.

“Don’t mind if I do. I have been thinking about getting into the whiskey business myself. This fence rail splitting doesn’t seem to have a real future.”

Caleb thought about that. “Mr. Lincoln, just from my few minutes with you, I think you are better suited as a lawyer and politician.”
“That’s amazing Mr. McCord. I have thought about that. Been reading what I can about the law and our countries founders. Why it has only been two score and eleven years since they set out to build this great nations and look at us, way out here on the Western frontier.”

Caleb could see that the boy had a future.

“Mr. Narrator, this is pretty farfetched.”

“Well, you are the one who is reading it, not me.”

Caleb thought about what he could tell Lincoln without messing up the future. “Mr. Lincoln, Stay away…

There was a flash of light>

“…from plays”

Caleb was somewhere/when else.

“Elwood fought the line as the big one tried to get away. “Go easy there boy, don’t pull too hard or you are going to lose him. Ease off a bit. Don’t let the line break. You about got him. Just a little more.” There was a pop and the connection broke. “Elwood, you wing nut, you done lost him again. You better get to work figgering out where he went.”

Warden Bailey popped up in on the transfer grid. “I been keeping an eye on you boys and I’m afraid I’m going to have to write you up. Let’s see, there was the BBQ excursion, unauthorized camouflage as a Ford F250, transferring a human back in time, hunting from a vehicle, appearing to the Earth humans in your natural born redneck form and I bet if I look around, I’ll find some beer here in the cab. You boys think you are able to levitate in a straight line?” That’s just a joke among the Inter-galactic boys, they can’t really levitate, it’s more of a wobbly float.

“We ain’t got any beer and I really could use one about now.” Billy Mac looked pretty miserable as he thought about how he was going to explain the big fine to his wife. Elwood looked up from his tackle. “Oh we do have some beer. It’s in that big old Coleman cooler in the bed. Want one Warden?”

“Don’t mind if I do.’ So what you boys actually doing here, buying moonshine, picking up earth women for secret breeding and return so that they can go on TV and tell about their abduction, or just generally causing trouble?”

“Well, you ain’t gonna believe this, but we are just legally hunting, but this dern retriever keeps misfiring and now we seem to have lost the target somewhere/when.” Jim Bailey nodded. “Well, that’s not so bad.” Not much chance of him hurting anything. Probably out in the middle of Tennessee wondering what happened to him.”

Bill Mac looked up from the tachyon tracking module. “Uh, Jim, the last jump, he talked to Abe Lincoln.”

Jim Bailey might near jumped out of his little green guy game warden outfit. “Abe Lincoln, if my boss hears about this, I’ll be working the Jupiter shift again.” We better get on this boys. Hand me a couple of them Buds so I can think straight.”

“Mr. Narrator, you can’t really be expecting us to believe that the aliens that are reported by “National Enquirer” are in fact a bunch of Inter-Galactic Rednecks hunting and fishing in our galactic neighborhood.”

“Boy, as I done pointed out once, this is a story, but maybe you should believe it anyway. Now I can see by the look in your eyes that you don’t understand the great contributions made by Rednecks to this great country of ours. Why, most of the great achievements were made by Rednecks, going all the way back to Columbus himself who was actually just out on a fishing trip that got out hand as things are bound to do when you mix a lot of drinking and boats.”

“Then there is Isaac Newton who discovered gravity although it had pretty much always been there. He was out squirrel hunting when a big old walnut fell on his head. The apple story came from some citified editor who couldn’t believe that a bloodthirsty killer of wildlife could come up with any good ideas. Now I realize that Newton wasn’t technically an American, but he always wanted to visit because he had heard of the great hunting and fishing and wanted to see a NASCAR race even though they hadn’t gotten started on those yet, but Newton was a forward thinking kind of feller so it wasn’t any problem for him to come up with NASCAR after inventing gravity.”

“I really shouldn’t have to tell you about George Washington, but that boy set out for the frontier when he was just a tadpole. Huntin and fishin he was, with a bit of surveying to pay the way, and then he tied up with that British General and fought some Indians and Frenchmen and the next thing you know, he was President. You ought to read a little more history, boy.”

“Then you ever hear about old Andy Jackson. Talk about your Rednecks. Now there was a goodun. Killed a man for insulting the Missus.”

“Abe Lincoln. A demon with an ax and he told good stories, too. And he was born in Kentucky.”

“Teddy Roosevelt. The boy was a real Redneck. Started a political party and called it the Bull Moose Party. Could have run as a Republican, but it was the principle of the thing and Rednecks have more “principle” than just about anyone.”

“I could go on and on, but I’m sure that you are starting to catch on. A bit slow there boy, but a couple of cans of Bud and a few days in a deer stand ought to clear up your mind.”

Along about midnight, Warden Bailey thought he had it figured out. “Boys, the way I figger it, Elwood didn’t properly align his retriever and it misfired sending that old boy back in time and then again when he burned out transistors in the receiver group. What you boys really need is a larger caliber since you don’t seem to be able to aim too good. You boys need a shotgun not a rifle.”

Warden Bailey squinted through the scope. I got that old boy lined up good. Just give me a minute and he’ll be back there on the grid and you can do the mind wipe on him and we’ll throw him back. No sense doing any measurements since you boys done missed the tournament cutoff.”

He squeezed the trigger just as a dark shadow moved across the crosshairs. Suddenly an irate woman appeared on the grid. “Look out” Elwood screamed, “She’s got a shotgun.”

I must digress here. See Cindy Lou Jones was out looking for her husband Bobby and that floozy he has been running around with. She had driven up the trail where the hunters had set up since that was where she and Bobby had always parked and it would be just like that dirty dog to carry some other woman to a place so dear to her heart so she had come with her twelve gauge just in case she found them. She normally hunted with a 20 gauge but preferred a 12 for close in work such as husband and floozy shooting. She had been minding her own business looking for Bobby’s pickup when she suddenly found herself on what she recognized as a spaceship, what with her being an ardent “National Enquirer” reader she recognized it right away although she had expected something a little less seedy. What she saw was a little green guy (Warden Bailey still had his camouflage outfit on) with a can of Bud and two old redneck boys that looked like someone had run over them with a John Deere bush hog.

Cindy Lou swung her shotgun around toward the little green guy. “Now feller, I’m as ready as the next girl for some Inter-Galactic fun and games, but you can forget about me and either of those two.”

Warden Bailey was frantically signaling for Elwood to hit the stunner, but Elwood was entranced by Cindy Lou and paying no attention. Billy Mac was entranced by the 12 gauge which was pointing right at his nose, not that being aimed dead center would make much difference from 10 feet. (Elwood and Billy Mac refused to have anything to do with the metric system since it varied so much what with a meter being one millionth of the distance from the poles to the equator so it depended on what planet you were on)

Cindy Lou was entrancing what with her long blonde hair (mostly natural, she did believe a girl was entitled to help nature out) and Dolly Parton build (also real as far as you need to know) and her green eyes which were shooting fire.
“Well, it’s a fine fix you got us in now Elwood.”

Cindy Lou swung her shotgun toward Warden Bailey. “I don’t rightly cotton to little green men if you know what I mean.”

Warden Bailey ripped off his camouflage suit. He was about six three and right handsome in his Warden uniform. “How’d you do that?” Cindy Lou asked.

“It’s just a costume so as to not upset all you Earth humans by running around in our space ships and making you feel all backwards.”

“Who you calling backwards?” Cindy Lou asked as she started to squeeze the trigger.

Elwood dove for the freezer but was a little late as Cindy popped him over the head with her gun. “I came out here to shoot some people and doggone it, I may just have to shoot you boys if you don’t tell me what is going on.”

Warden Bailey explained about the man and mules Elwood sent back into the past. Cindy Lou said she reckoned that would be old Caleb and that the wagon would be full of moonshine. Elwood and Billy Mac started jumping up and down. “We done hit the mother-lode. A wagon full of moonshine will set us up for the rest of our lives.” Jim Bailey pointed out that they had the little problem of finding the time traveling moonshine and getting it back and the issue of smuggling of Earth contraband which he was duty bound to stop even if he wasn’t really a revenuer.

Cindy Lou looked at the bunch of them. “Well, it looks to me like all you men are the same even if you are advanced spacemen. If you had pickup trucks and boats, you be just like the old boys around here.” Elwood grinned. “Actually, this is a pickup. A mint condition 1982 Flitter F250.”

Could you boys just send me back home? You don’t have to worry about me ever telling anyone about this. No one would believe me. I’ll just say I was abducted by little green men. That makes more sense.”

I owe both my dedicated readers an apology for failing to post more of the Rednecks From Space story but Billy Joe Bob broke the dern computer and just now got it fixed. I’m sure that he will try to blame it on me, but you can be sure that I had nothing to do with it so don’t believe him.

Anyway, back to Rednecks From Space.

Warden Bailey could see that he had quite a problem on his hands. The prime directive stated that no earth human was to ever be released wfith their memories in tack and due to the complete incompetence of Elbert and Billy Mac, it seemed that was about to happen. There was also the minor detail of an angry woman with a shotgun pointed at him demanding to be released right now. He could see twenty cycles of Jupiter duty and Jupiter cycle was a bunch. He couldn’t remember just how much of a bunch it was but certainly didn’t look forward to it.

Elbert was trying to find something to hide behind because he was pretty sure that it a shotgun wasn’t a catch and release hunting implement. Billy Mac was admiring Cindy Lou now that the shotgun was pointed elsewhere. “Ma’am, would you like to look over the spaceship before you leave?” “Don’t mind if I do, but don’t you go trying anything cause I know how to use this thing and I have six shells since I don’t believe in plugs. You there, former little green guy, go on ahead. I don’t want you messing with anything and you look to be the smartest one out of this bunch. Somehow I thought that space aliens would be more like Mr. Spock.”

Jim Bailey thought that maybe he had a chance to get out of his predicament. If he could only get Elwood to attract her attention , he could get out his portable stunner and solve except the whole problem except for the minor detail of the missing Moonshiner. “Ma’am, if you will come this way, I will show you how this thing works.” Cindy Lou followed him toward the back of the F250 as he signaled to Elwood to distract her attention. Elwood was having nothing to do with it since he was real happy to have the shotgun pointed at someone other than him. Billy Mac was ignoring the whole thing thinking that there was a good chance that Cindy Lou would solve his and Elwood’s problem by shooting the Warden.

Jim Bailey led Cindy Lou toward down to the engine room where Elwood had installed a chromium plated hyper-drive unit from the shop of Wholeman and Muedie from the planet Nascarion. “I can see you spaced boys are a lot like the locals; real hung up on chrome. Do you really think it will make this thing go any faster?” Elwood pointed out that it attracted women. “So where are they?”

“Danged women” Elwood thought, “They seemed to be the same everywhere.”

After Cindy Lou had seen the whole ship with Jim Bailey never getting a chance to use his stunner, he again suggested that he could send Cindy Lou back to her home with no harm done.

Cindy Lou reached in her bag and pulled out a badge. “Officer Cindy Lou Harris, Alpha-Centauri Department for the Prevention of Time Anomalies and General Stupidities and got you boys on a 1017, excessive stupidity.”

“Mr. Narrator, it is beginning to look like all your characters are actually space aliens. How can that be?”

“You ever see Michael Jackson, Boy? How can you ask that question?”

“Mr. Narrator, there seems to be a number of inconsistencies in your story. For instance, way back up there when you introduced, Mizz Cindy Lou, she was hunting for an errant husband and now you say she is an interplanetary policeman. Which is it?”

Boy, you are really beginning to get on my nerves. As I have already told you, this is a story and although it is in prose, I think I am still allowed poetic license, but if you really need to know, Cindy Lou was working under cover (There’s a bit of a pun there in case you missed it).

Now on to today’s exciting episode of Rednecks From Space or whatever I have been calling this thing.

Cindy Lou looked around the F250. “Is there any chance that you boys included anything useful when you were souping up this thing, say a temporal target indicator?”

(Have you noticed that all my lady characters are much more erudite than my men?)

Elwood looked down at his shoes (size 12 brogans). Billy Mac suddenly developed an interest in space flitter ceiling paints. “I had nothing to do with this” said Warden Bailey who was beginning to see a very unpleasant assignment coming his way after this fiasco.

“Well, we can get around to that after I shoot that two-timing husband of mine.” “ Do you think that is proper protocol considering you are supposed to be an undercover policeman?” asked Warden Bailey. “Maybe not, but it seems to be the right thing to do if I am to stay in character and besides, he really deserves it. You just tell me that there can be any woman better than me.” The fellers had to admit she had a point there and besides, they could see a possible way out of their own bind if Cindy Lou plugged an Earthling.

“Where do you think we can find the varmint?” asked Elwood. Billy Mac stopped looking at the ceiling paint. “Now folks, I think it is a Class 1 misdemeanor to shoot an Earthling even if he has stepped out on you.” “Oh, he ain’t an Earthling, he is from Beta Zed and if he was any good, he could have seen this coming. Any Beta Zed worth the name can read minds and the better one can predict the future. The way I see it, he is fair game.” The boys could see her point. Real Beta Zeds were never anything like Counselor Troi and there was no penalty for shooting one. Sort of like there should be no penalty for shooting someone who cannot properly conjugate “y’all”.

“Uh, Mr. Narrator, I don’t think that “y’all” is a verb.”

Shoot that boy. He is really getting on my nerves now.

Úh, Mizz Cindy Lou, don’t you think we should get on with finding the person we sent back to the past and save the shooting for later?”

“I guess you are right. Now how do you expect us to do it since you boys seem to have spent all your money on pretty “accessories” rather than useful stuff? Do you have any thing that didn’t come from a hot rod shop?”

Elwood and Billy Mac went back to their shoe and ceiling gazing. Jim Bailey said “ Well, there is my cruiser. I guess we could use it.”

Cindy Lou looked at him like he was her errant husband. “Did you have to take any kind of test to become a game warden or did you inherit the job from your backward daddy?”

Cletus and Elroy have been having a big argument about Cletus Rednecks From Space saga. It started during the time when our computer was broken and Cletus was griping about not being able to complete his story. Elroy said he thought he knew Cindy Lou; that there was a woman named Cindy Lou who came into the Electric Coop to pay her bill who always looked like she was carrying a gun if you just looked at her out of the corner of your eye. Cletus said he figured that was Cindy Lou Smith since she did carry a gun in her bag and she certainly like she would carry a gun.

Elroy replied that he was sure that parts of Cletus’ story were true since Cletus wasn’t creative enough to make it all up.

Cletus said that anyone who reads the supermarket tabloids is not qualified to comment on the creativeness of a true storyteller. The fight has been going back and forth for the last two days and Cletus hasn’t gotten any more storytelling done. Some of the regulars are beginning to complain because that they are starting to worry about old Caleb lost back there in the past and apparently abandoned to his fate by the spacemen. Cletus says we need to improve the quality if our clientele since the current group seems to think that there really are little green men from space running around kidnapping people.

Winter has arrived here with a bit of chilly rain and temperatures in the twenties. If those little green men don’t get on with whatever they are doing, they are going to freeze their little appendages off.

Elroy just announced that he noticed a couple of strangers in here the other day and that they were driving an F250 that was in remarkable condition when compared to others that he knew. Cletus asked if they were green.

It looks like another good day ahead.

A little Rednecks From Space to get you through the weekend.

Cindy Lou flounced across the Flitter F250. From the back, it looked like a couple of possums loose in a tow sack. (A tribute to Terry Oglesby and Mizz Francesca). Where’d you leave it she asked. Soon to be ex-Warden Bailey, who realized that he had to come up with a plan real soon or he would be picking up used anti-matter can along the I-666 (The interstellar highway) instead of enjoying the wealth and prestige that came with being a game warden and having his own patrol saucer to drive home each night. The saucer was a big hit down at the Spaceman’s Bar and Bluegrass and he really hated to think that he might have to give it up.

“Uh, Mister Narrator, do the spacemen listen to Bluegrass?

“Of course my boy, the spacemen are all people of character and distinction. Earl Scruggs is the official hero of the galaxy and Bill Monroe is considered to be the greatest musician and composer of all time and place.”

I digress. Cindy Lou demanded that Warden Bailey immediately get them over to where he had parked the official game warden spaceship and furthermore to do it right now. Jim Bailey thought that she was being a bit redundant in her demands and they were making him nervous and it was hard to think when he was nervous and the best he could hope for after this fiasco was a big demotion and a foot patrol on the hot side of Mercury even if he got to keep his job.

Elwood fortunately remembered where the cruiser was parked and in almost no time they were there. Cindy Lou had to scare a couple of small boys away from the cruiser. She took out her book and wrote Warden Bailey up for failure to secure his official spaceship since he had left the back door open and the boys had been playing around and turned off some of the camouflage and the thing that should have looked like a Ford F150, four door pickup, looked like a slightly melted Chevy 1500 with a bad paint job, but I indulge in redundancy. As they were getting in the official cruiser, the boys stood at a distance and yelled at Jim Bailey about the custom upholstery wanting to know where he got the nice red velvet (the cammo program was a bit off and the upholstery did look like it was stolen from some disreputable establishment) until Cindy Lou pointer her shotgun at them and they ran off.

How’s that for a sentence?

Cindy Lou ordered Warden Bailey to get on his scope and find Caleb and do it right now. Elwood and Billy Mac tried to sneak away while her back was turned, but she caught them before they could clear the hatch and made them go sit in the corner which was what she called the little cage in the back. Elwood complained that you would think that real spacemen would have better jail accommodations than the TV guys who had force fields to hold the prisoners. Cindy Lou told him to shut up and put on the cat camouflage suit. After they had the suits on, she locked them in the cat carrier and threw I a couple of kitty treats.

She looked at Warden Bailey. “Now get to work or I’ll throw you in there dressed in mouse camouflage.”

Elwood looked at Billy Mac who was dressed as a Persian and who was diligently washing behind his ear. “Cut that out, you idiot, we have got to come up with a plan to get away from this crazy woman before she decides to shoot us.”

“You ought to try this washing stuff. It ain’t half bad.”

Elwood raked him across the nose with his claws and the catfight was on. Cindy Lou grabbed the cage and the door flew open. Elwood and Billy Mac dived out of the cruiser and ran into the woods.

“Well we got away from her” said Billy Mac. “Elwood was fumbling with the cammy release button. “Dern, she locked this thing. Do you think we can pick the lock?”

As Billy Mac was reaching toward Elwood’s lock, they heard a young boy say: “Hey, look, a couple of cats. You still got those tin cans? We can tie them to their tails and watch them run.”

“Mr. Narrator, don’t you think you are getting a bit far out there what with Elwood and Billy Mac being dressed as cats? Just how does that happen and it seems that they are cat size or else the boys would be running away from a couple of very large housecats and further more, isn’t a Persian totally out of place in rural Alabama?”

“Well, I guess I do need to stop and talk a little about the science involved (ala Clark and Azimov). See, the spacemen are really good at disguises. Each has a little black box inserted when he is born and with the right codes, he can look and act like just about anything. Their technology allows them to disguise their spaceships as 1982 Ford F250s or whatever they choose. The mass and volume is normalized appropriately”

“Doesn’t that violate a few of Newton’s laws?”

“Certainly, but then, having space aliens flying around kidnapping people violates a few of the laws of physics and that doesn’t seem to be bothering you. As far as the transformation business goes, the most famous case in Redneck circles is when Curtis Turner got hold of a crashed spaceship in the 1960’s and used the transformer box to make his Chevy racer a 7/8ths scale and won a bunch of races before NASCAR caught on. Actually, my favorite Curtis Turner cheating method had nothing to do with spacemen. It seems he used the roll cage for extra fuel storage to increase the time between pit stops.”

Now back to today’s exciting episode of “Rednecks From Space”.

Elwood and Billy Mac were in a fix what with the crazy space policewoman Cindy Lou after them and a couple of young rednecks trying to catch them to tie cans to their tails. Elwood remembered that cats could climb trees and they ran up a big oak where Billy Mac managed to pick the lock Cindy Lou had put on their camouflage devices. Unfortunately, they were out on a small limb and when their full mass kicked in the limb broke. The fall was only about ten feet, but it did knock the wind out of them. The two boys came running up asking if they had seen a couple of cats. Elwood started to cuff them up side their heads but Billy Mac stopped him because violence teaches a child nothing worthwhile or something like that. One of the boys laughed and said: “Tell that to my Pa.”

Elwood suggested that they find the F250 and get the heck out of there before Cindy Lou caught them again.

Actually, Cindy Lou wasn’t looking for them just yet as she was having a good old time chewing on Warden Bailey who was beginning to realize that without Elwood and Billy Mac, she had no evidence against him. Things were looking up if only the idiots had the good sense to get their ship and get away.

Now you may remember that Elwood and Billy Mac had accidentally sent a local feller by the name of Caleb McCord back into the past where he met up with Abe Lincoln and gave Abe some advice just before Elwood latched on to Caleb and sent him somewhere else. Old Caleb seems to have been lost for a while now do I guess we better look in on him and see how he is doing what with Elwood and Billy Mac having escaped from and evaded the law and are now desperately hunting for their spaceship which is disguised as a 1979 F250 Ford Pickup which may or may not have a Smoky Yunick Flatcrank NASCAR engine not that it matters to Caleb because he is stuck somewhere with just his wagon, mules, faithful Bluetick hound and a load of almost 300 year old whiskey if we can just get him back to now.

Of course the whiskey will be three hundred years old when Caleb gets back from the past.

Anyway, Caleb found himself on a lane that wound by a big river. He came upon a small boy chopping on a tree with a little hatchet. “Let me guess,” Caleb said to the boy. “Your name is George Washington and you just got that hatchet.’ “Yes sir, that is right and I am chopping some firewood for my Father.” “Well, George, let me give you some advice. Be sure to tell the truth when your Father asks who chopped down the tree and if you ever find yourself on a boat with a bunch of other guys crossing a big river, don’t stand up in the boat.”

“And George, that is a peach tree. Maybe you should try the cherry tree over there instead.”

Meanwhile back at the Space Ship Elwood had his retriever fired up and latched on to Caleb. He punched the retrieval button and Caleb disappeared in a bright light but he didn’t appear back in 2004. Billy jack screamed that Elwood had gone and done it again and sooner or later, the two of them would end up in jail on some cold planet for the next two hundred years. Elwood figured that it was a good time to get out of the area so he fired up the F250 only to find that his anti-matter drive was fused to the rusty chrome on the front bumper and the nearest repair station was about four light years away unless he could fix it. Luckily, he had seen every episode of classic “Star Trek” so he knew a variety of ways to fix it. Putting on his best “Scotty” disguise, he set to work.

Things are pretty slow around here. It has been cold and we are all dragging. Cletus has been working on his next "Rednecks From Space" episode so maybe next week we can all read it. The two people who were reading it may recall that Caleb McCord was stranded somewhere in the past with only his mules, coon dog and a wagon load of moonshine. The RFSs were trying to find their space ship which has been camouflaged as a cherry 1979 Ford F250 with air-conditioning and possibly a NASCAR spec engine with a Smoky Yunick flat crank and Big O mud and snows. They had just escaped from two small boys who were... Oh, never mind, if you are interested, go and read it.

Elroy hasn't gotten any overtime at the Electric Coop since we haven't had any real bad weather and he is a bit unhappy. Seems he had plans for the money and now he doesn't have it. Says he has his eyes on one of them newfangled TVs that you can hang on the wall like it was a picture and he figured he might be able to slip his overtime pay past his wife and sneak one into his workshop since that is where he spends most of his time.

Nothing new on Cletus' retirement plans but I do have to say he hasn't worked for the past month or so. I guess you could say he has retired in place.

And that's where we left off in December 2003.