Compleat Redneck

Commentary from the boondocks. If it makes any sense, it is just by chance.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005
A few weeks back, I told you about our friend Jim Bond who is nicknamed Double Nought. Here is the beginning of a detective story in his own words.

As Billy Joe Bob said, I reached teenhood just as the James Bond movies started coming out and was very quickly handed the handle of "Double Nought". As a joke, I enrolled in one of them mail order detective schools and lickedy split, I received a diploma suitable for framing declaring me an Honor Graduate and saying I was entitled to all the honors and privileges accruing there to or something like that. I haven't been able to find the diploma since my wife discovered EBay and set out to make her fortune by selling every thing she can find as fast as she can post it. Nothing of mine is sacred to that woman. In fact, any day now, I expect to see that she has placed me up for auction with no minimum.

Well, that is not all that important to the story of my very first detecting job. Okay, I need to get the question that is on your mind out of the way. I know that 007 was not a detective but a spy, but the best I can figure, there is not a lot of use for a spy in North Alabama and all them three letter folks want you to leave home and go to furrin countries and I wasn't real excited with my visit to Florida. They got some strange ones down there if you're asking me. A furrin country was out of the question so I went in for being a detective only to find that there was not a lot of private detecting needed in rural Alabama either.

Anyway, I had just gotten off work at my regular job when a farmer from up at Fyffe asked me if I was Jim Bond the detective. Well, it is a joke with me and my buddies so I figured one of them was setting either me or the farmer up. I figured that the best way to stop whatever the buddy had planned was to just go along with it so I said: 'That's me". "Well" He said, "I got some work for you". I told him I didn't do any wife or girlfriend tracking and he said he didn't need that kind of work and asked if I had been reading about the UFOs being seen around Fyffe. I told him that I had read about them but that I didn't believe that there was any such thing as a UFO. He said of course there was at least until you figured out what it was, and besides he didn't need me to do any UFO investigating, he needed me to figure out who was trampling his crops while they were looking for UFOs.

Oh, the comedown. From a potential career as a private eye to one as a scarecrow.

Next: I hire my brother as an assistant.

Monday, May 23, 2005
Cletus says we have really messed up by first trying to be serious then not posting at all. Elroy said he was pretty sure that failing to post regularly was more to blame than any alleged seriousness. Cletus says he thinks we need to get back to the silliness that gained us a regular readership of ten people back in when we were one of the top 10,000,000 blogs. Bubba says he doesn't think we ever got up that far, but it was nice back when we had a distinguished British guy reading about every day.

Cletus says he has a lot of stories to tell and most of them are old enough or the people involved are decrepit enough that they can't do him any real harm. We'll just have to wait and see.

Mizz Bubba is doing better. She has had her second round of chemotherapy and it hasn't made her real sick. She still hasn't quit smoking but has slowed down some.