Compleat Redneck

Commentary from the boondocks. If it makes any sense, it is just by chance.

Friday, June 03, 2005
This digging up old posts is a piece of cake but not like the one in this story:

Cletus came in this morning and said that he and Mary Ruth are thinking about getting married. I asked him if that was such a good idea since between them they have been married a dozen or so times. He said that they both knew that this was the one and that they were really made for each other. Bubba said they were surely a matched set.

It reminded me of Cletus' 4th or 5th marriage. He had always just gone down to Trenton, Georgia, the Wedding Capital of the South, but that time they decided that they would have a real wedding with a preacher and everything. His bride to be read up on weddings and decided that they should be married in Cletus' parents house. They got the preacher from down at the Holiness Church to come over to the house on a Saturday afternoon to perform the ceremony and invited a few of their family and friends to attend. Bubba brought along his boy's camera and I baked up a wedding cake at the BBQ Emporium and got one of them little bride and groom plastic things and put it on top. It was real pretty if I do say so. The wedding was scheduled for right after dinner (1:00 PM for non-Southerners) and right on the hour the preacher showed up rarin' to go. Seems he had a barbeque to get to and didn't have a lot of time to spend on this wedding stuff and besides, he could see that Cletus wasn't gonna pay much. He asked me why the fool didn't just go to Trenton like everyone else. Well, I could see he was getting all antsy, so I rounded up Cletus and the bride to be and got them stationed in front of the preacher and he had just started reading the stuff about dearly beloved when Cletus noticed that no one other than me and the wife were watching the great moment. " Hold it Brother Bobby Joe" He said, "I gotta get eveyone in here". He went in the kitchen where Bubba was trying to figure out how to put film in the camera, all the men were helping him and the women were admiring the wedding cake yours truly baked up. Cletus told them all to get in the living room as the wedding had commenced. He used more colorful language but I don't dare write it here since his Mama might near knocked his head off for talking that way under her roof.

Meanwhile back in the living room, Brother Bobby Joe was bouncing up and down because he was missing the BBQ. Cletus came back and Bobby Joe picked up where he left off. Still only me and the wife watching but Bobby Joe was on a roll and before you could've entered any objection, he had them married, grabbed his Caterpiller cap (He drove a D7 during the week and preached on Sundays) and was out the door. Halfway to his pickup, he remembered that he needed the marriage certificate witnessed and came running back. Cletus asked him if he wanted a piece of wedding cake. That's when his new bride first saw the wedding cake and started bawling. Cletus asked her what was the matter and she said that she had been married five times before and it was the first wedding cake she had ever had and she just wanted to keep it the way it was forever."You can forget about that, sister" said Brother Bobby Joe. "I done missed half the BBQ over this tomfoolery and I sure ain't gonna miss any cake". Well a fight sorta broke out then and me and the wife snuck out the back door and headed back to the BBQ Emporium and had us a piece of pecan pie.

"It sure was pretty up to when the fight broke out." the wife said. Yep, it was. There must be something about them preacher weddings because that one lasted almost twice as long as Cletus' average.

Thursday, June 02, 2005
Here's some classic Cletus since he is too dern tired to come up with anything new.

"I could do that." Cletus was reading the Possumblog entry about the Georgia man who invented a toilet seat raiser/lowerer. Bubba said there wasn't a need to since it had already been done. Cletus said he knew that. He was talking about inventing in general. He said all you have to do is find an unfilled need and come up with a solution. That's all that Gates feller did after all. Bubba said that he didn't think Bill Gates invented anything. Cletus said he wasn't talking about Bill Gates, he was talking about the man who invented the gate, you know that thing in a fence you open if you don't want to climb over. Well, that kind of stopped the conversation. What can you say? Bubba asked if Cletus thought that some feller named Gate invented the gate. Cletus said of course not. The feller was probably a Smith of some kind and he just happened to call it a gate. Maybe the first one to buy one was a Gate. He said he was just using gates as an example to show that all the easy ones had already been invented and you had to look hard to come up with something new to invent. When I left the room, they were trying to decide if the feller's name was wheel or maybe axle. Cletus was pulling for axle because he is sure he saw some old English movie with a man named Axle in it and he had never heard of anyone named wheel. "How about Big?" Bubba asked.P.S.: We just received an email from the Society for Electron Preservation saying this site is a major cause of global warrming through our misuse of valuble electrons. We are happy to be good at something.