Compleat Redneck

Commentary from the boondocks. If it makes any sense, it is just by chance.

Friday, March 02, 2007
Billy Joe Bob here.

Cletus was out trying to find some way to make a few dollars off yesterday's storm. He says he figures if you don't get blown away, it is okay to make a little profit from other's misery. He came by for lunch and said there doesn't seem to be much misery around here. So far, he hasn't found even one tree to cut.

He says his plan is to be the guy who shows up to announce he can get that tree off your property for only $1000 if you act now. The old F250 isn't quite as disreputable as what you normally see in that business but Cletus says he figures a few trips through some big mudholes will solve that problem.

Bubba says he is not sure Cletus is qualified since he actually knows how to properly cut and remove trees. He suggested that driveway or roof repair might be a better choice.

Cletus says he may as well go back to being retired since work is such a drag.

He definitely has a good point there.

I see that Mr. Possum has jury duty next week. We will certainly miss his erudite, incisive and entertaining posts.

Cletus says he has been called to jury duty several times but has never gotten to hear a case except one where he was the defendant and there was no jury that time.

Before you get the wrong idea, Cletus was not a real criminal. As I recall, the charges were reckless driving, resisting arrest and damaging several police nightsticks with his hard head. The Judge dismissed the charges and let Cletus join the Army.

Y'all have a great weekend or if it next week or several weeks from now when you accidentally stumble across this site, have a great week, month, year or decade.

Thursday, March 01, 2007
Well it is getting late and we haven't been blown away yet. Lots of rain and wind but nothing major.

Elroy says he figures gasoline will be up by at least 10 cents by tomorrow morning. He insists that the price increased 15 cents gallon while he was pumping the last time he filled his tank.

He thought he was going to have to fight the clerk over the price but apparently the clerk was just a hired hand and didn't feel like fighting.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Have I ever mentioned that Bubba and I are rather large people? If I haven't, I am sure that BJB did several times if for no other reason than to complain about the amount of pecan pie I eat.

Bubba is large and always has been, at least since he out grew Daddy's overalls at the age of 10.

Even so, people who know him know he is a gentle soul not likely to hurt anyone and if he did, he would apologize and try to make amends. Bubba did 18 months in Vietnam where he says he probably killed a few dozen Vietnamese since he was either an M60 machine gunner with the Infantry or a Huey doorgunner. Bubba says he sometimes feels right bad about that but he gets over it since best he could tell, the killees were desperately trying to kill him at the time. As BJB told a couple of years ago, Bubba says he only regrets not killing the guy in the San Francisco airport who spit on him and called him a baby killer.

Bubba says he really doubts that he killed any babies since he doesn't recall ever seeing a baby carrying an AK47.

Bubba says he thought about going up to DC for the Gathering of Eagles thing on the 17th of March, but will have to pass on it since there is a real possibility that he might make up for his failure in 1971.

We all figure he is doing the right thing by not going.

Monday, February 26, 2007
Once upon a time Elroy owned a 1958 Chevy with a 348, tube headers and two four barrel carbs. It was quick, handled like a barge and was a little short in the brakes department. Other than the last two items, it was true sports car at least in the American style of the time. It was way to quick and fast for its suspension and brakes not to mention the nut behind the wheel.

Elroy won a bit of money drag racing down the main street of our little town until all the potential victims, sorry, competitors figured out (finally admitted to themselves) that they couldn't beat an 8 year old car. Elroy had to come with another money making scheme and it was a doozy. Near where he lived was a two mile winding road up the side of a fairly steep hill. Elroy invented the Redneck hillclimb. How it worked was he would bet someone that he could come up the hill in under 90 seconds from a standing start. After the bet was placed, Elroy would drive down to the cemetary at the bottom of the hill, turn around and race the clock up the hill. The Chevy was so loud that it could be heard at the top of the hill where one of the boys acted as the official time no one being dumb enough to ride in the car with Elroy. Now getting up to speed was not a problem, but the road was full of twisty turns, the Chevy handled like, well a 58 Chevy, and even up hill, the brakes faded right fast.

Did I mention Elroy didn't believe in seatbelts?

Well, one day having gotten sufficient bets to pay for the gas required to drive the four miles roundtrip ( the Chevy got about six mpg if you didn't use all 8 carb barrels), Elroy drove down the hill making sure there was no other traffic while one of the bettors stopped traffic at the top. We all heard the Chevy start to wind up but after about 30 seconds there was a loud noise and then no sound at all. Elroy's Dad who ran the gas station att he top of the hill said he guessed he would drive on down and pick up the body. A very practical man he was. Well a goodly bunch of us drove down to see the big wreck and it was that and more. The car was about two feet tall and not a whole lot longer and a number of Harland's pine trees were sheared off at the ground. Only problem was, we couldn't find Elroy.

He wasn't in the car, or in the road or in the creek by the road, or in the ditch. It was a mystery until we heard a moan from a couple hundred yards back down the hill which on investigastion turned out to be coming from Elroy.

Seems he dodged Leonard Cooper's truck as Leonard pulled out from a side trail. Elroy dropped the right rear wheel off the pavement, the car turned sideways and started flipping. Elroy figures he went out the side window about halfway through the first rotation, hit a few yards up in the woods missing all the limestone rocks and landed in some fairly soft leaves and dirt. He had some really good bruises but no serious injuries.

The car? It had hit so hard that the engine would never run right again. When we finally got it out of the woods, we found that the steering wheel was touching the floor and the roof was touching the steering wheel.

Today, Elroy says that wreck cured him of reckless driving but Bubba had to go and ruin it by asking about the ten cars Elroy totaled over the next couple of years.

Of course, Elroy did get his job with the Electric Coop where he drove a line truck for several years and never so much as scratched it. He says it was because it is easy to drive something slow but not so easy to drive a barge at high speed.

By the way, Elroy is a dedicated seatbelt guy. He says that it was just luck that he didn't hit a big rock or a tree before landing in the soft dirt.

Well so much for reading the news and gathering blog fodder. I may have to go back to telling stories about BJB and Bubba. The news is either depressing, rediculous or both. Algore wins an Oscar. Major surprise there! I think that falls in the area of "depressing". Some woman won the "score" Oscar for her song "An Inconvenient Truth" which turns out to be the title of Algore's "documentary". I wonder if there is a connection.

Definitely stories! I don't think the Emporium crowd is really into current events alsthough Elroy says he is doing his best to keep up with the machinations of Murtha. He lost the rest of us with that.